Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Valeska19]

I do a lot to self-care on many levels, I have hobbies that enable me to get out with other people, I keep very fit, I try and focus on work, spend time with the children. But my emotional state is fragile. Even when I exercise or socialize I am constantly thinking about my M. It's unhealthy and I don't know how to break the cycle. Even when H left, he was contacting me or visiting several times a day. It was separation by his rules. I found NC was the best way I could manage myself emotionally. I don't know how to manage myself emotionally, I know I am failing badly, but some days are better than others and I don't know why. Some days I can be happy, upbeat, accept what will be will be, and other days I spiral out of control with little triggers.

There is a ton of pain, and a ton of hurt there. Your struggle makes sense. And suppressing those feelings is hard.. and unhealthy. Is there a way that you can do a version of NC in the house? Create that distance? Obviously a S makes the NC easier as it eliminates the physical part of it.

I get triggered alot so I will tell you what works for me. I have two designated areas in my house that I give myself permission to lose my sh!t in. When I am being triggered and if I can, I immediately go to that room, close the door, and let it out. Cry. Scream. pace around the room talking to myself, etc ( When I'm not home - I look for a space where I can get away. My car, park, whatever.). I give space for my emotion to express itself fully and openly - because what it has to say is so very important. It also calm me down. I'd rather take that 15 mins and do a solid cry - then sob around the house for hours.

Then I set a boundary on myself to not talk about it until the trigger has truly passed. Sometimes this is really difficult as a certain trigger can put me on a rollercoaster for a day or two. . For you - if that means not talking to your H for a couple days.. so be it. If it means you take a weekend away from the sitch - so be it. I feel confident that you can find ways that work for you.

I guess the truth is I'm scared, I'm scared he will walk away, I'm scared he wont be in my life. I'm scared of having to start over again at my age! I'm also scared of investing more time for nothing to come to fruition. I just want to sit in the here and now even H is telling me to sit with things now and not worry about what might or might not happen in 3 months. Why do I find this so hard to do?

This is beautiful honesty and thank you for sharing it. Acknowledging it is the first step because you can now see how this fear is guiding your actions. If you have been in a marriage where Pommy's feelings and thoughts didn't matter (whether to H or to YOU) - changing this is gonna be one of the hardest parts of this whole journey.

Just only H can decide when to change - only you can say when enough is enough.