- Do not start R talks. (This includes about her infidelity) - GAL (Those that struggle the most do GAL the worst) - Continue to work on self-improvements. (Are you in IC? What books are you reading? How are you trying to become the best Pack_19 possible?) - Detach! You need to be at a place where hearing about her infidelity has no impact on you at all. The fact that it has impacted you means you are still overly attached. - Doing nothing IS doing something. (Do not give into the illusion of action.)
Pack, when you struggle the most, turn back to the DB principles. I am not going to lie, as time goes on the hope continues to dwindle. I am of the belief that someone can always change as long as they are still alive. But you need to be moving on with your life.
Hi Steve! Thanks a lot for your message.
I am going to IC weekly and the one piece of advice I got yesterday was to focus on controlling my impulses and accepting the situation I am currently living. I am re-reading "The way of the superior man" and next on my shelf are NMMNG, "The multiorgasmic man" and "The art of seduction".
Given that I have a good exercise routine established, I am focusing now on the R with my kids, showing more empathy with others, thinking before I speak about what I am about to say and listening actively to those I engage with. My biggest mistakes with W were in not being there for her all the times she tried to tell me how she was struggling and putting myself on her shoes, I am trying to do that now.
No more R or OP talks, understood.
Detachment is the subject I keep failing, I am going to use the same mindset I used for the exercise routine, make it a daily goal.
I guess at some level doing nothing felt like giving up, I did not have a beginners mindset here. Inaction about M or D and focusing on myself are my current priorities.
DBing is about getting past your feelings. Your feelings will deceive you and make you do things you think you should, but are actually detrimental. For instance, you say:
"My biggest mistakes with W were in not being there for her all the times she tried to tell me how she was struggling and putting myself on her shoes, I am trying to do that now. "
This is a good learning, and definitely an opportunity for a 180. BUT, this is not something you should be trying to do with your WAW right now. Lots of LBSs get trapped by this. DBing says, let her go. Move on. GAL. 180 on bad behavior and detach. But because the main complaint from the WAS is "you weren't there for me", we throw aside DBing principles and pursue, pressure, and smother the WAS which drives them faster and further away.
I like to use the analogy of someone trying to feed you after you've just stuffed yourself. "No thanks I just ate." Oh come on! There is room for more! "No really, I am stuffed, I couldn't possibly eat another bite." But I made this just for you, just a small serving!
That's annoying isn't it? But that is exactly what LBSs do to their WAS. WAS: "I am full of you and don't want anymore." LBS: "But here! Let's do this, let's go here. Let's discuss things. Can I get you anything? Here is a present! Talk to me! LET ME GIVE YOU MY ATTENTION!"
Same dynamic.
Doing nothing always feels counter-intuitive to what we "feel" we should do. The best course of action in regards to our WAS is usually doing nothing. They expect us to pressure and pursue. They've girded up their loins to fend it off. BD was not an over night decision, it took long months, even years, of realizing that they were going to hurt you by destroying your world, but once they've gotten past that then their capacity to continue to hurt you is off the chart. The goal for the LBS is to not give them anymore opportunities to hurt you. You accomplish that by not pressuring and pursuing at all. And you accomplish that by doing nothing.
It isn't giving up. It is giving them what they've asked for.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
