Trying to keep hope

[MrBrside]

Sorry,

But i'm still going to stick to my guns on this one. With people like your WW, they need tough love. With LBS like you, you need tough love - You need to work on getting that self respect back - you use the word doormat - She is walking all over you, while eating cake - FACT..

Like I said though, I’m playing it cool. I haven’t reached out at all and I’ve stayed NC.

You had a 4 hour conversation with her, even though she refused the confirm the status with OM.. Hardly "playing it cool" - And i've said it multiple time, YOU WILL take her back, regardless of her not working on herself - and history WILL repeat itself - Because she doesnt have the respect for you, doesnt see a value in you and see's other men as the more attractive option.

Honestly I was gonna take a break from the boards for awhile. I’m totally open to advice and suggestions from everyone but I am here because I want to save my marriage and I think it can happen. I know some of the advice on here is that if I even speak to W or were to ever take her back even if she wanted to recon then that’s me being a door mat and she’ll walk again down the road but again I’m here to try to save my marriage. I get the way to do that is to let go and drop the rope, which I’m doing but again I’m here because I love my wife. Not to hear how she’s a horrible person, she’s not. & not to hear how I’m a pushover for even wanting to recon.

You came here looking for that magic bullet - So did i, and i suspect so did 99% of every other LBS - We have all been there. But the jist is now, you don't agree with the advice, so you walk away.

After my WW's EA1, all my mates told me to walk - move on, end it.... I didn't. I loved my WW, loved the family.. She showed very little remorse, but cut ties with EA1 - She did NO work on herself and i willingly took her back ( i didnt know about this site then )

Come EA2 - and made every excuse under the sun not to see my friends.. I went for 6 weeks avoiding calls, not meeting up etc.. One of my best friends does electrical work for me in our office, so i couldnt avoid him when he had to fix an electrical issue. He thought he had upset me, as he knew i was avoiding him -

Why did i avoid my closest friends..
1) - I was so embarrased - they knew this would happen and i thought i knew best
2) - They were right first time, and told me the same thing again - but i didnt want to hear it

This is much what you are doing now. You havent found that magic bullet, and you have cherry picked the advice and DB actions that suited you, got a few 2x4s for your mistakes and now decide you know best - Instead of facing the problems, you are walking away, as you think it will help the situation.

Sounds very very much like Curtis thread to me. The sad things being, you stated yourself what a hard read it was - You have followed the same path he did, but don't want to admit that.

It is obvious that you also think these things can be fixed in weeks or months.. It usually takes years.

It’s divorce busting. I’m here trying to bust my divorce guys.

By doing what you think is best - you are in for a long painful ride.

I’m open to 2x4s and advice for things I’m not seeing clearly but insults and digs because of how I’m feeling about things doesn’t seem to helpful and honestly sometimes I feel the need to defend my wife on here which I’d never thought I’d say at the beginning of this thing.

You ask for advice - You get advice - As your W is WW, some people will say it as it is.
Also - the opinion of your wife, is based on a picture YOU painted. You didn't come here saying what a perfect wife she was - you rocked up and listed the way she has treated you and continued to post her selfish actions.. BUT when people form an optinion back, you feel the need to defend her ???

I'll lay it straight here. And this comment below DOES NOT apply JUST your sitch , but many of the wayward wifes and husbands.. A lot of the stuff they pull is abuse - FULL STOP ! - ABUSE. The way they lie, manipulate, cheat, gaslight, cake eat.. I've seen this on so many threads recently ( Wayward husbands are just as bad ) - Its WRONG.. The 4 hour chat you had was gaslighting - pure and simple.. Which in my book equals abuse ! - Look how YOU felt after that call ! -

How many domestic abuse stories do we read where one partner hits the other, but the victim never leaves.. They do everything to cover it up - they lie to their friends, they lie to family, and 99% of the time, they lie to THEMSELVES. They justify staying becuase they cherry pick the reasons why he is a good partner, but ignore the abuse they are recieving. And While they are convicning themselves its worth working on the relationship, the abuser usualy promises that it won't happen again. - Until the next time.

When people do find out, they are like "why did you stay etc" - As they can't grasp why people would stay in an abusive relationship.

Strong and healthy minded people will walk away at the first sign of abuse.. the weaker / codependant natured will cling on to dear life hoping it wont happen again, always lying to themselves to justify this action.

I see very little difference in these abuses.. Its mental abuse - I was on the receiving end of it, and thought i was going mad from the continual gas lighting. I resorted to recording every thing me and WW discussed, to then play it back in the car - which made me realise i wasnt going crazy, but she was trying to make me thing i was... Its abuse, but you don't want to see it. - People do commit suicide over this stuff, so its not something to just brush off..

But i'll leave it here, as i've spent enough time posting to somebody who doesn't want advice - But i'm hoping in time another LBS will read this and think "this is a difficult read - i need to move on"

In your sitch, you have cherry picked what work on yourself you did, and will take WW back with no work on herself - I just hope kids dont come into the mix before she does this again.