Yes, that post is pure gold. My W was on the cusp of giving up completely with no chance of return. I think if I had be oblivious and hadn't caught her EA as early as I did, she would have moved to that point of no return.
Now, sometimes I wonder if my STBXW was having an EA. She is not an especially sexual person but if she was able to plot a divorce over 18 months, secretly, which is so out of character, then an EA is also possible. It could have been what put her over the edge.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I think smartcookie's point is that the WAW eventually reaches a point where she no longer cares enough for the changes their LBH is making to matter. I like her word "numb". In their mind and heart they have moved on from the LBH no matter what he says or does at this point.
Yes, while my STBXW didn't use the word numb, I know she was that way. After the BD, she talked about pain, but thinking back to those final 18 months, yes, she was merely numb. She would come home from work, we would have a simple dinner and some casual chit-chat, and she would retire to the couch to watch the Hallmark Channel (comfort movies) and multi-task, playing games on her iPad. I have no doubt that during those long months, all she was feeling was numb.
Originally Posted by Steve85
... this does not happen over night. Notice that smartcookie denotes "4 years ago". ... And this is why the WAW will claim on BD that "they were never happy". It has been so long that in their estimation it was always that way. We LBHs struggle mightily with this concept. And while the truth is somewhere in the middle (she was happy at points in the marriage) her perception is her reality. And we do ourselves NO favors by bucking against that.
Yes, my STBXW told a female friend (still happily married) that "it has been a long journey." She had told me nothing of the sort. But it was that comment that made me look critically over the past 12 years and I've now seen the signs, and the hints she was trying to provide.
But your best advice is not trying to understand the logic. There is logic, but it's framed by their pain. And yes, as you saw in the post on my own thread, I struggle with having been betrayed. Wasn't I at least owed a conversation a year prior? But I'm coming around.
Originally Posted by Steve85
One of the biggest improvements I made in my own life during my sitch, and something I've continued to foster and grow over time, is having empathy for others. I was not very empathetic prior to my latest sitch. Through IC and personal study and growth I learned the art of empathy. It is such a better way to live ones life!
Me too. I was pretty doctrinaire in my belief about politics, morality, and the like. People often thought I was too critical. I've decided to let all that go. Here on the cusp of 60, single again, with half my heart on a stake having bled dry, I've decided that only people matter. I will be more accepting and more empathetic. I am also gushing communication. The saying that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is cute and pithy but is most definitely not true.
Thanks, Steve, please stay engaged with me on this thread and my own. I could use a few friends who are one year ahead of me. And you have great insights and understand both sides very well.
