I am back in a really sad place right now and could use some guidance.
We had a child's birthday recently and celebrated the day with H and some of my family members. It was a wonderful birthday for our child, but it was so, so so hard on me and took days to me to recover emotionally. My family also left the event so sad, H was a man they loved and trusted as a best friend and he is so different, they couldn't recognize him. It was hard. He also said some sexually inappropriate things about other women, which hurt me so much. Not to mention that he said these things in front of my family like it was some bar talk between guys. Gross.
I know that H really loves the children. He is trying really hard for their sake. Which I am grateful for, but also makes me angry in some sense, because I would have given my right arm for him to be a more plugged-in parent during the past 10 years. If he had, I don't believe we would be in the situation we are in right now.
My anger is spilling over right now (PLC, is it the moon?). I don't feel compassionate or loving. I am angry and have no patience for him. I want to be as far away from him as possible. I don't want to see his face, I don't want to be reminded of my pain and confusion, I don't want to have to suppress my feelings or walk on eggshells just because he is in my space. I don't want to uncover his secrets and lies (vis-a-vis the children, whom he seems to think are still innocent toddlers unable to read a room)
I want to heal. But gosh, it is so hard right now.
