May, I've been giving a lot of thought to what you said. Can he carry this for a while? Will he carry this for a while so I can take a break and/or work on me? And the fact is he can. And he will. And he keeps trying and I'm not letting him. Because I'm scared. I don't want to need him. I don't want his help. Even though I desperately want his help. He keeps offering to put our finances back together and to start working on a new budget so I'm not so tight every month and we're back into a balance. He keeps offering to make dinner on nights he knows I have a lot of homework, or days when I'm running to the office and working from home and running around for the household. He offers to pick up the slack on all of that household stuff. But I'm afraid to rely on him again. I'm afraid to need him. I'm afraid to put myself in the position I was in before. I was so blindsided by all of this. I don't know how I'm going to be able to not position his A directly in the middle of my pot full of abandonment issues. And that's on me that's on my control issues which are rooted in my trauma. That's on the trauma I wasn't healed from before he put me through more. That's stuff I have to push past and work through without dumping all of it on him. But I have to find a balance in him giving me the reassurance that he isn't every other person in my life I loved who only chose me when it was convenient to them to love me, that I deserve because his choices are the reason I feel this way, and me healing myself because I'm allowing this mess to intermingle with my past.
The same goes for the why of the A. I haven't explicitly said it out loud. Because a petty part of me feels like he should know that, I shouldn't have to say that. And the insecure part of me is a little scared of what he's going to say. Every little spat we have makes me cry. (I literally started bawling because I accidentally locked him out while he was on a run.) I constantly think he's counting point against me every time anything happens. And I haven't really been explicit about that either. And all that probably goes back to vulnerability. I've found myself able to cry in front of him. But I can't seem to bring myself to really bear my soul. And that's a lot on me too. But what he did was horrible and 1,000 apologies won't erase months of me having to constantly check myself and just not say a word, because he could use my feelings as a reason to leave and pitying me, like I was the pathetic one or throwing anything I said in my face. I don't know how to say all this with out it feeling like I'm telling him it's all his fault. It's a lot his fault. But a lot of it is the scars I bear from things he doesn't even really know about. Because the truth is he wasn't all the way in this because he doesn't really know me inside and out. He's never really dug under the surface the way I do. And I don't know how much of those scars I want him to know about in case he changes his mind again.
As far as my depression, IC and the GP are working on it with me. May up my medication in a month. IC would like me to get my anxiety under control without medication and see if that improves the depression. The medicine I'm on currently is weight neutral and since my BMI is still not to my GPs liking, and is happy with the weight loss, they don't want to change my medication, because the weight gain from other meds could make me more depressed. However this stuff has a fun side effect. It increases anxiety...lol. So you basically have to be stress free, not get the side effect or be way more depressed than anxious. Which was the case. Now not so much. And I hate anxiety meds. They make me feel drunk. So we're working on self care, and a huge one is returning to a bed time routine. I had an amazing bed time routine that helped me sleep while H was out of the bed, but now that he's back in here everything's been thrown off.
With all that being said I'm taking a break from here for a while. Watching everything fall apart for you, Pommy, and Sage as it looked like you all were rounding the corner to the finish line is really affecting me. I almost checked his phone records yesterday. I've gotten incredibly paranoid. And please don't think there's any blame here. Because there isn't. This is on me. But being surrounded by this is making it hard. I wish there was a board being actively used by people who are reconciling and piecing, but we don't really have that here. I think that's probably why people drop off the face of Earth when things start to go uphill around here. This is crazy hard to rebuild trust when I keep wondering how much time I have before he starts talking to OW again. I love and appreciate you all very, very much. And you cardinal and wooba!!! But I think it's time to say good by for a month or two. I'll check back in then. I'll be thinking about all of you. Putting out all the positive energy I can in your directions. xoxoxxoxo
