Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Valeska, thank you. You asked me these Qs yesterday:

Pommy - Based on your posts - it doesn't seem your like H is ready. He "wants" to do the work... but isn't "doing" the actual work. It also feels like you are accepting the breadcrumbs he is giving you as progress yet at the same time criticizing him when he falls short. Your pendulum swings back and forth. How do you calm that?

I also feel like I am still accepting breadcrumbs, and I'm very much not detached. I was more detached after we separated but when he came back and we started MC I started to invest myself more emotionally, and now the M is so unstable and I am also more unstable. I don't know how to calm myself anymore, it seems. I do fluctuate wildly between "this is never going to work", and "keeping the faith". I feel sometimes it depends on what I read on the forum, or the internet. I do know I am constantly searching for answers on the internet - can we ever reconnect, will my H ever find the lost attraction, etc etc. I then read too much and overwhelm myself. It seems the only thing I ever think about is my GD marriage and it's killing me inside. Even in my sleep I'm dreaming about my sitch, or OW, etc.

The hard truth is Pommy's emotional well being and emotional safety is fully POMMY's responsibility. You keep expecting your H to provide this for you but he can't do that right now (and its truly not his job to). But you can. You have so much power here and yet you give it to him. Why? What are you so afraid of when you choose yourself?

Ask yourself - What can Pommy do to keep Pommy emotional safe? What Can Pommy do to Self Care? Protect her Well Being?Live a life of Honesty and Integrity?

All the answers is within yourself. What will it take for you to look inwards instead of expecting your H to do it for you?

I do a lot to self-care on many levels, I have hobbies that enable me to get out with other people, I keep very fit, I try and focus on work, spend time with the children. But my emotional state is fragile. Even when I exercise or socialize I am constantly thinking about my M. It's unhealthy and I don't know how to break the cycle. Even when H left, he was contacting me or visiting several times a day. It was separation by his rules. I found NC was the best way I could manage myself emotionally. I don't know how to manage myself emotionally, I know I am failing badly, but some days are better than others and I don't know why. Some days I can be happy, upbeat, accept what will be will be, and other days I spiral out of control with little triggers.

I guess the truth is I'm scared, I'm scared he will walk away, I'm scared he wont be in my life. I'm scared of having to start over again at my age! I'm also scared of investing more time for nothing to come to fruition. I just want to sit in the here and now even H is telling me to sit with things now and not worry about what might or might not happen in 3 months. Why do I find this so hard to do?