Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

No! That is not why I told you to wait 15 days without contact. When you heard about your W cheating, you contacted her and you gave her 15 days to give her answer about the M. You had already done all of this before you told the board, and we were trying to get you to calm down before you regretted further mistakes. My advice was to go NC during the 15 days you had given her in the ultimatum. I did tell you I thought she would test you by contacting you......if you went silent. However, that was not the purpose for you to go NC during the 15 days, and you have contacted her several times. What part of NC do you not understand?

HI again Sandi, thanks a lot for being so honest with me. I have no excuse, I have done a poor job here. Even if now it is late I will implement NC. What was then the purpose of those 15 days NC after my poor reaction issuing the ultimatum?

Recently, you posted how you went shopping with S6 for school clothes, and you contacted your W to invite her to join. Paco, can you not see that inviting your W to join you to shop is pursuit? She can't stand to be around you! Just b/c it is shopping for S6, does not allow for pursuing your W. Frankly, I think you use the children as your excuse to contact her. Do you think since she said she didn't want to hear you talk about anything other than the children, that's your free ticket to contact her? How many times do you find something as an excuse to talk about the kids, when in reality you just want to make contact with her? You need to get real serious about NC, Paco, b/c your actions cause you to look weak. Yes, you are suffering, but you have to let yourself feel the pain. Mourn the passing of the marriage, b/c it is dead. She doesn't want you. No matter how much you want to save it for the kids, she doesn't want you. Until you can let it go, you will not improve yourself as a man. You will make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Control, ultimatums, pursuit, & pressure. You must lean to change these in Paco. You must learn to make these changes apart from her. Why? B/c these bad actions come from a place inside of you.........not your W. You've done some wonderful things in other areas, but it doesn't appear you've worked on the inside of Paco. Know what I mean? Those are the hard things to change.

So true, the sad thing is that I have never been like this. I have never been controlling or pursued people who did not want a R with me. When you refer to future R you mean with other W right? I am getting the feeling you all see from the outside how little hope there is for my situation given how we are interacting. Anyways, yes changing the inside is the hardest part, is like rewiring your brain to avoid reactions and thoughts you had before. I went to IC yesterday and she told me I need to work on controlling my impulses, I need to let our Ls handle any conversation and work on accepting is her decision to not have a R with me.

I did see W Sunday to exchange the kids. I was going to leave when she stopped me to complain about some money she has to pay and she requested me to pay my part. I said that is in the agreement we have and our Ls should discuss it but then she insulted me, she threatened with D (what a surprise!) and she told em we would go in front of a judge if necessary. All of this in front of S6 and S2, who was crying because he wanted to stay with me and W would not let me hold him. I told her multiple times to stop insulting me, specially in front of our children, but she kept going until she said one of her magic sentences "you have many issues and you have not changed". I am SICK of these interactions, look if she wants a D let her have a D, I am a an of worth and I should not be insulted in front of S6 who adores me. I am since then working on implementing NC properly (only kids EMERGENCIES), implementing GAL and letting this suffering, this fire, run through my body while doing NOTHING.

I joined a new padel (the sport I play) group yesterday. Training with young men I just met who have a really good level felt great, then we had a beer and they all wanted to hear about my life in the UK and Germany. It was like reconnecting with myself a bit more. It was a great day. Today I have friends coming home and I finished building the new ikea furniture for my room. The new mattress is AMAZING! I slept like a baby yesterday.

Thank you all for the comments encouraging me to calm down, feel the pain and do nothing but improving myself. I really needed that advice, I am not sure I can thank you enough.

You keep asking how to proceed. I will tell you. It's the same as you've already been told. You are always talking about fighting for your M. Stop fighting for the M. Stop recommitting everyday to your M, b/c it sends your brain mixed messages. I feel that is why your posts have sounded confusing. When you exchange the kids, just say hello and goodbye to her. Don't have a conversation with her. If she tells you something about the kids, you can listen, but otherwise tell her goodbye and walk away. Don't show her your emotions. At the moment, you can't have a positive relationship with her, b/c you want her for a W, and she doesn't want it. You have to step away from her and leave her alone. You have to stop the struggle and let her go, before you can expect to have a friendly relationship co-parenting your sons. You've pressured her from the beginning, instead of learning how to leave her alone and give her what she wants. I know you wanted more, but I am telling you it's not going to happen like you wanted. It will probably take her years before she's willing to act nice.

I dont want a co parenting friendship with W, I agree with something you told me once Sandi. I choose a W because I expect from that person a very different R than with a friend. I am not saying this in a resentful way, if she does not want me to be her H fine, then she will not be in my life or she will be only as much as necessary for my children. How sad for them, nobody asked them to come to this world and all they are learning from their parents is to shout and argue. I am thinking a lot about how to change that from what I can control, IC has recommended I act like a
broken record repeating over an over "look W, this is not something I will discuss with you, let our Ls handle it".
Most of all, stop looking for the "next step" to do.

Sometimes, you just have to "be"........instead of "doing".

Not sure what defines me anymore, I really need to find myself again. Enough with the D threats, she will also be losing the best she has ever had and if cannot see that is her problem.

In the same way that I thank you for asking me to calm down, thank you for directing me towards inner changes. It feels great to get similar messages from the board and my IC, surely there are things I still MUST change if I am ever to have my M back. I am feeling better today, W can get a D, she can get OM, but she will never change the wonderful person I am about to become.