Look Inside one WAW~~~~~ Then and Now

[SteveLW]

Yes, that post is pure gold. My W was on the cusp of giving up completely with no chance of return. I think if I had be oblivious and hadn't caught her EA as early as I did, she would have moved to that point of no return.

tom_h, you made this point:

And lest you think there is no chance that we men can change, I saw an interesting example. The book "The Great Santini" by Robert Conroy is autobiographical about the author and his absolutely horrid father, a Marine Corps officer. Conroy wrote the book almost as payback for a dictatorial upbringing. But his father, when he saw the depicting of himself in the book, actually hit rock bottom and changed. Became a friend to his son. Even Conroy admits that his Dad did a 180, while already in his 60s or 70s.

This is so true, it is never too late for us to change. However, I think smartcookie's point is that the WAW eventually reaches a point where she no longer care enough for the changes their LBH is making to matter. I like her word "numb". In their mind and heart they have moved on from the LBH no matter what he says or does at this point. Again, my WAW was right on the cusp of this. She could have written many of the things in the quoted post, and was already showing signs of giving up completely.

I truly believe that as long as there is breath in the lungs of a human, they can change. Just like tom said that the men can change, meaning LBHs can change, so too can WAWs change. We get LBSs that come here all the time saying "My spouse is so stubborn that once they make up their mind they won't go back on it." Yet that same WAW took the most sacred vow anyone could take, in front of God and witnesses, and are now going back on it. So if they can change their mind on that, they certainly can change their mind again to recommit to the marriage.

Also, the post quoted is pure gold, but one thing I want to reiterate, because it was so important for my own understanding in the thick of my sitch, is that this does not happen over night. Notice that smartcookie denotes "4 years ago". Her journey to being numb, and giving up, started 4 years prior. And this is why the WAW will claim on BD that "they were never happy". It has been so long that in their estimation it was always that way. We LBHs struggle mightily with this concept. And while the truth is somewhere in the middle (she was happy at points in the marriage) her perception is her reality. And we do ourselves NO favors by bucking against that.

One of the biggest improvements I made in my own life during my sitch, and something I've continued to foster and grow over time, is having empathy for others. I was not very empathetic prior to my latest sitch. Through IC and personal study and growth I learned the art of empathy. It is such a better way to live ones life!