Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Valeska19]

So some updates from overnight:
- I went out for a couple of hours in the evening, didn't tell H where I went, but actually just went and sat by a lake in the evening sun. He moped around me all evening after I got back. We started a R talk late evening and H said that situations like this, where he's upset me, make him scared that I'm going to leave. He said he has this pull and need for me and he is scared that I'll go. However, he is feeling despondent that the feelings he wants to feel are not there, and it's been a few months now since he came back.

Whilst I believe he is scared... It doesn't seem like he is scared of losing you... but more scared in a selfish way. If he were scared of you actually going - don't you think he would be doing everything you asked him to? He's not even doing the bare minimum.

I got up in the middle of the night and searched through his iPad. I guess I'm just looking for answers, something to grab on to that tells me to leave. I found text messages from mid-May. Nothing more than "I'll call you back baby", (ugh) but this is a month later than he said contact ended. There was a txt from him on 26th May as well - "I'll call you back" - 4 days before he asked to come home. He's adamant that he hasn't been in contact since then. When he asked to come home he told me he hadn't been in touch for weeks blah blah, and I believed that he really had had a period of reflection, where he'd broken contact with her for at least 6 weeks - not 4 bl00dy days.

Finding this out... did it give you the answers your were looking for?

So I launched this at him at 3am. Said he had an outstanding capacity for lying. His response was just their friendship hadn't ended on bad terms. They'd agreed to concentrate on their respective marriages in April but there was still a little contact afterwards. (Apparently, calling her "baby" is just a friendly term.) Then I asked him to leave. He said ok. sorry.

- This morning I went over again the events from yesterday, seeing the panic on his face when I walked up to him while he was texting, and how quickly he swiped the message away and somehow managed to delete them by the time I'd asked to see his phone. He is still adamant that it was only yesterday she told him the news about the cancer and he hadn't been in touch since before he came back home. (all this overheard by D16)

He is giving you lots of information here Pommy. Do you see that?

I took Sage's advice and asked his opinion on what he would do if he were me. He said he truly didn't know.

What a BS response. I know you have kids. Have you ever sat a toddle down after they took a toy and said "how would you feel if he took your toy?". Even if the toddlers can give emotions. Even they can say move past their "I don't knows" to "bad" or "sad".

His answer is not acceptable.

INow we get to the bit about "us" - he still doesn't have those feelings that he wants for me, he doesn't want the pain of breaking up, he wants a simple and happy life and not a broken marriage, he wants those feelings for me.

I agree he doesn't want the pain of breaking up but that's not the same as recon. Everything else after is just more words.

As far as he is concerned, OW has no bearing on how he feels about me. However, he feels that our marriage has always lacked a real passionate spark and is questioning what our relationship is built on - it seems to be friendship and loyalty of 20 years, but we've never had that amazing connection (although he said we did before we were married but we never developed our relationship beyond that into a deeper existence). He doesn't know if we are asking the impossible, in trying to achieve something that never truly existed. He wants to ask MC tomorrow (he has a 1-2-1 session with the MC). He wants the pain to stop as much as I do.

I know you are having the R talk but jeez... he needs to stop telling you this stuff. He just emotional spews on you without understanding the pain it may cause you

So, that's where we are, more tears this morning, I've said I don't know what I feel right now but I do want to make the marriage work. I just don't understand if 2 people love each other, why is it so difficult. He keeps apologizing and saying sorry for ruining my life, that he never wanted to hurt me like this. He wants to do our MC homework tonight (the sensate focus, reconnecting etc).

It is not my place to tell you if your H loves you, but both people need to do the work. Alot of folks make the mistake (myself included here) that its couples work or marriage.. and sure there is a degree of that. But IMHO - most of the work is individual work. Your H is showing no signs he wants to do the work.

Yes some of the work is uncomfortable. If fact - I understand the feeling of "this should be more natural, or feelings should just be there". But they aren't - and he has to make the decision to at least try and do the work to see if would change his feelings. The fact that he isn't - is telling you something Pommy - what do you think it is?

I feel like we are still running round in circles. However, I am a believer that this will take a lot of time to heal and a lot of the progress is beneath the surface. But he is despondent that things aren't clicking into place. He says its not the "new love/butterflies" that he's after but that sense of connection that leads to a passionate marriage. We have the friendship and loyalty but not the deep emotional connection, and he's not sure whether we can create that if it was never there.

He talks to much to stop spewing his emotional doubts on you. He should talk to his IC about it. Gosh - how painful for you. I'm sorry.

I cant see the wood for the trees anymore. I don't know where to direct my focus or channel my energy. I know you will all say detach and GAL but I'm also questioning whether I should just give up.

Perhaps go back to the questions I asked you.

It will definitely help with the detachment and refocus you on working on yourself which may give you answers to the question you ask.