Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

So some updates from overnight:
- I went out for a couple of hours in the evening, didn't tell H where I went, but actually just went and sat by a lake in the evening sun. He moped around me all evening after I got back. We started a R talk late evening and H said that situations like this, where he's upset me, make him scared that I'm going to leave. He said he has this pull and need for me and he is scared that I'll go. However, he is feeling despondent that the feelings he wants to feel are not there, and it's been a few months now since he came back.

- I got up in the middle of the night and searched through his iPad. I guess I'm just looking for answers, something to grab on to that tells me to leave. I found text messages from mid-May. Nothing more than "I'll call you back baby", (ugh) but this is a month later than he said contact ended. There was a txt from him on 26th May as well - "I'll call you back" - 4 days before he asked to come home. He's adamant that he hasn't been in contact since then. When he asked to come home he told me he hadn't been in touch for weeks blah blah, and I believed that he really had had a period of reflection, where he'd broken contact with her for at least 6 weeks - not 4 bl00dy days.

- So I launched this at him at 3am. Said he had an outstanding capacity for lying. His response was just their friendship hadn't ended on bad terms. They'd agreed to concentrate on their respective marriages in April but there was still a little contact afterwards. (Apparently, calling her "baby" is just a friendly term.) Then I asked him to leave. He said ok. sorry.

- This morning I went over again the events from yesterday, seeing the panic on his face when I walked up to him while he was texting, and how quickly he swiped the message away and somehow managed to delete them by the time I'd asked to see his phone. He is still adamant that it was only yesterday she told him the news about the cancer and he hadn't been in touch since before he came back home. (all this overheard by D16)

- I took Sage's advice and asked his opinion on what he would do if he were me. He said he truly didn't know.

- Now we get to the bit about "us" - he still doesn't have those feelings that he wants for me, he doesn't want the pain of breaking up, he wants a simple and happy life and not a broken marriage, he wants those feelings for me. As far as he is concerned, OW has no bearing on how he feels about me. However, he feels that our marriage has always lacked a real passionate spark and is questioning what our relationship is built on - it seems to be friendship and loyalty of 20 years, but we've never had that amazing connection (although he said we did before we were married but we never developed our relationship beyond that into a deeper existence). He doesn't know if we are asking the impossible, in trying to achieve something that never truly existed. He wants to ask MC tomorrow (he has a 1-2-1 session with the MC). He wants the pain to stop as much as I do.

So, that's where we are, more tears this morning, I've said I don't know what I feel right now but I do want to make the marriage work. I just don't understand if 2 people love each other, why is it so difficult. He keeps apologizing and saying sorry for ruining my life, that he never wanted to hurt me like this. He wants to do our MC homework tonight (the sensate focus, reconnecting etc).

I feel like we are still running round in circles. However, I am a believer that this will take a lot of time to heal and a lot of the progress is beneath the surface. But he is despondent that things aren't clicking into place. He says its not the "new love/butterflies" that he's after but that sense of connection that leads to a passionate marriage. We have the friendship and loyalty but not the deep emotional connection, and he's not sure whether we can create that if it was never there.

I cant see the wood for the trees anymore. I don't know where to direct my focus or channel my energy. I know you will all say detach and GAL but I'm also questioning whether I should just give up.