Pommy, I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now.
I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but what if you asked H what he would do in your situation? In a very neutral sense, almost like talking to a best friend. That you are at the end of the road here and need to turn right or left, but going straight ahead isn't an option; there's no road. Which way would he choose? Can you have a deeply emotional conversation like this in a completely unemotional way? Can you make a decision about the next steps together, as if you are not so deeply invested in the outcome?
I get the sense from your posts that H is sensitive and maybe not too confident in his own decision-making capabilities. Maybe he needs to really hit rock bottom before he can truly come back as a whole human husband. And I don't think rock bottom is going to be a tongue-lashing from you, renewed expectations, hours in IC and MC, etc. He needs to watch you walk away, forever. He needs to believe that this is truly it.
As hard as it may be, getting out right now may be in your best interest. Because you may work this out and always look over your shoulder, or you may go through this again and again every 3-4 months and be decimated in the process. In some ways, your last detachment, the one that made H come home, truncated both of your processes: you didn't get to fully 'become' the new woman you were working towards, and H didn't really hit rock bottom and build himself back up to a great place. Who would Pommy be today if H never came home?
And, I know this isn't funny, but I can't help thinking of LH's comment on May's thread about all the boomeranging, wishy-washy WAHs on this board being f-ing weak-a$$ puss!es and how they don't deserve us women. He's right.
But no matter what your next steps are, you don't have to decide right away. Maybe more information will come out in the coming days that give you some guidance into your next steps.
