Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

I honestly don’t know why he wanted to come back, we had about 7 weeks honeymoon period, then something happened and he went all distant. I am now thinking perhaps this is when they got back in contact.

The thing with H is he denies everything unless presented with evidence. So today he was caught red handed and now surprise, surprise they have only been in contact since this morning, I don’t believe him . Why should I?

Yeah.... I think you're probably right about the timing of him going distant and reconnecting with her.

I will say, in my situation with my sad lying H, the biggest revelations have come when he has approached me on his own and told me things about past lies, omissions, or what is going on rather than me getting very far in confronting him. (For instance, me in this most recent situation-- are you i contact with her? No. Well, this email. Then a few days later, actually I have been in contact with her, several times, this day, this day, that day.)

I think that they are so used to lying in the day-to-day and they're so scared of the consequences that they just goes to the lie as a default every time, and then they're kind of trapped there because they don't want to admit to MORE lies. My H said every time I had asked him "Is there more?" that he didn't cop to all the final revelations I just got because after the first time he said no, this is it, every time he added more things that he'd lied about it would just make me trust him less and less, so he didn't want to admit to it.

At MC last month he broke down when saying he had done something he never thought he would do, and that was lie to his wife, It made him hate himself, filled him with shame, guilt. And yet here we are again.

I have found that my H has these feelings more when he's actively lying than when he isn't. So I wonder if that expression was him saying how he felt in the present rather than thinking about past behavior.

I feel like your H needs a come to Jesus moment. Or some sort of truth amnesty place like in MC where he can feel OK about telling you maybe things he hasn't said in the past about what he's done. I wonder if there are other lies about the extent of the relationship with OW that he hasn't shared yet, and that is also bothering him. But it feels impossible (even to me) to be in a situation where the only time you learn any truths is when you catch him red-handed. How will you ever learn to trust him without turning into the police?