Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

LH-- I'm thinking a lot on what you and others have said about value and will answer more on my thread once I've put it together in my head. How I feel right now is this-- it doesn't really matter to me at this moment whether or not my H thinks I'm "valuable" or not. What matters is what I think of myself, and then following that what my boundaries are, how I'm enforcing them, and whether or not I'm living my life in accordance with my core values. Each of us has different boundaries and core values. Yours may be different than mine. If I choose to stay, that doesn't inherently make me weak, or wrong, or scared, or demonstrate I see myself as valueless. We're all different and have different boundaries. I think the most important thing is really understanding yourself and what you need and value, then making your own life choices based on that. Not other people's interpretations of what that should look like. And for me (and for Pommy too)-- this is a big decision. Not something to do in a knee-jerk fashion.

Pommy-- I think what Valeska is saying is right on, about your emotional well-being and safety being your responsibility, not your H's. I know know know the pull of wanting to have him help you with this right now, and I think it was a mistake I made in the spring-- I wanted to get to piecing too quickly when we were still in R and my H was (unbeknownst to me) still ambivalent about his decision. I wanted things from him he wasn't ready to give (and may never be able to give.) In fact, he said to me this weekend that the big "transparency" conversation we had probably did contribute to him relapsing and reaching back out to AP, rather than being the springboard I hoped it would be to launch us into piecing. What Valeska says about your H wanting to do the work but not actually being ready to do the work seems to really fit, and I know that was similar for my H (though he was probably a step back from that, felt like he HAD to do it but didn't really want to. At least your H wants it.)

I've been thinking about R and piecing, what is and isn't possible, how people can grow and change, or not. It seems like the most straightforward path to piecing and M2.0 is like BluWave's: full on separation, the WAS goes out to live their fantasy life, hits rock bottom, finally has enough motivation to make real, lasting changes in themselves, comes crawling back, and after a fairly substantial period of time, like months, of repeated demonstration that the changes are real, the LBS agrees to take the WAS back and piecing begins. Reconciliation (or at least the first part of reconciliation) is taking place outside of the marital home, the WAS is full of remorse, willing to do anything and everything to demonstrate to the LBS that they're someone worthy of their love. That WAS will do all the things you need and be the person you can lean on if you need to, because they're going to go above and beyond to support you in healing from the trauma they caused. If you were in this situation, your H wouldn't be whining about not feeling passionate or whatever, and he definitely wouldn't have hid the text from you (it may never have come because he would have blocked her in the first place).

On the other end of the spectrum you have Wayfarer or Steve85, though Wayfarer's sitch is more extreme-- the WAS never leaves, the LBS buckles down and DBs for a long time until at some point the WAS emotionally returns to the M and wants to reconcile/piece. The lines are much, much harder to draw, understanding when R starts, understanding when piecing starts. I think the key for all of this is learning to take care of yourself throughout all of this, taking your own happiness and wellbeing into your own hands and letting him do the same on his own side. If you decide to stay, I would look to Wayfarer for inspiration, I really would. (If I decide to go in for another round, this is what I'll do.) She completely dropped the rope and relied on her H for absolutely nothing. She took care of herself, her kids, expected nothing of him to the point that he continually knocked her off balance when he leaned in instead of the other way around.

I feel like you and I expect that our Hs, once they make the choice to work on the M, should act logically and do the right thing. You don't want to be a liar, don't lie. You don't want to have people say you were having an affair all along-- don't have an affair. You want to build trust with your W, take every opportunity to do that-- ESPECIALLY when your AP reaches out. You want to work on your marriage, you do everything you possibly can to support a positive outcome from blocking your AP to ruthlessly squashing thoughts of them when they pop up. But unfortunately, whether due to some inherent character flaw or a version of an MLC or whatever, they can't do that. Their emotions are ruling the day. Their GD FEELINGS are soooooooo important, important enough to jerk everyone else in their lives around.

I mean, what about your daughters? Can't he think of them when he gets a text from AP? They've already been through the trauma of him leaving and then coming back. He's going to risk their well-being again by engaging in behaviors that are not in alignment with staying in your M?

Anyway...I digress. These Hs are weak and selfish or we wouldn't be here. in a sitch like yours, where your H left, but didn't really get to experience the full fantasy life and have it blow up on him, I think he's probably more in the Wayfarer (or my) H's category-- he isn't fully baked. He hasn't gone through the fire and come out the other side a changed man. He wants that but hasn't made it very far down the path. He can't let you lean on him yet because he's still going through a whole lot of $hit in his head, did he make the right choice, can he ever be happy, how can he be M when he still has feelings for AP, OMG what if AP is dying, but what about Pommy, what about the kids, who am I???? (all things my H has said to me, except the cancer part) You're getting to watch him bake, very very slowly. Or not. You'll have to decide if you can heal and be able to rely wholly on yourself for your own emotional processing and happiness with your H still in your house.

I'd spend some time around Valenska's questions at the end. What do you need for YOU, and then how does that translate into what you want in terms of your H.

(((POMMY)))