May, after we separated their communication increased. We were all in lockdown, she was at home with her H but they would speak every day (she would go out for walk to call him). H said that they’ started to get close and were acting more like a couple. He said he started to develop feelings (pretty sure they existed long before that tbh) and it didnt feel right. He said he didn’t want to be in a position where we could all turn around and say that he was having an affair all along. He said his loyalty to me was greater than his loyalty to her, he told her he didn’t feel he’d really given his marriage a chance and they agreed to stop contacting each other.
Was the Separation in house or not in house?
Originally Posted by Pommy99
I don’t know how today has made him feel in terms of his feelings for her, other than he’s sad it’s happening to someone he cares about. He gave me the spiel about not stopping caring just because he’s not in contact.
You cannot stop his feelings but he hasn't done anything to prevent the harm., He is leaving the door open by not blocking her.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
I guess I’ve lectured him today - about how he was asked to protect himself and his M from this but left that door open, that it’s not his job to support her, that in choosing the M he was choosing a certain path and there was no role for her, that he should have been working towards letting go, which is why leaving the door open created a massive risk. I said I know you care and I hope she has friends and family to support her, but it’s not his job to be there for her.
Hmm. Your anger is valid but the truth is when you use "You" a bunch - the other person can't hear you but the defenses are up. He's also not a child. And you can't control him. All you can do is tell him how your feel and then set a boundary around it that works for YOU.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
I feel like he wants to be there for her because of his comments that she was there for him.
Mindreading - Don't go there.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
He’s apologised for lying but said in the moment he was scared of telling me. I said that’s nonsense, you made a conscious decision to hide your screen and then delete the texts and then lie about emailing someone else for a good 5 minutes afterwards, in the hope that I wouldn’t keep pushing it. I mentioned the times he’s done this before - he whinged that he’s never going to be able to get away from the past misdemeanours if I keep bringing them up. I said not if you keep resetting the counter to zero. That I had hoped to be 100 steps down the road from this by now but he’s just reset the clock .
What tools is your MC giving you to handle setbacks?
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Right now he can’t separate out the fact that he cares for her from the fact he chose to work on the M
He doesn't have to separate feelings... but feelings aren't actions. He can certainly DO something.
Originally Posted by Pommy99
Yes we are struggling to reconnect - we’ve not done our MC homework that was set nearly two weeks ago so I’m struggling to see his motivation, but I’m not pushing it, as I’m seeing small amounts of progress in other areas. Bottom line is he still doesn’t see me as a lover and is not initiating the exercises we have been tasked with doing. To be fair, he had an op last week so it’s been a hard week/weekend.
He’s been really mopey all afternoon now, trying to appease me with coffee etc but I think he is reeling from the news. Like you say, what impact has it had on him? I think he is back to being torn between us again, unfortunately.
Pommy - Based on your posts - it doesn't seem your like H is ready. He "wants" to do the work... but isn't "doing" the actual work. It also feels like you are accepting the breadcrumbs he is giving you as progress yet at the same time criticizing him when he falls short. Your pendulum swings back and forth. How do you calm that?
The hard truth is Pommy's emotional well being and emotional safety is fully POMMY's responsibility. You keep expecting your H to provide this for you but he can't do that right now (and its truly not his job to). But you can. You have so much power here and yet you give it to him. Why? What are you so afraid of when you choose yourself?
Ask yourself - What can Pommy do to keep Pommy emotional safe? What Can Pommy do to Self Care? Protect her Well Being?Live a life of Honesty and Integrity?
All the answers is within yourself. What will it take for you to look inwards instead of expecting your H to do it for you?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
