Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

May, after we separated their communication increased. We were all in lockdown, she was at home with her H but they would speak every day (she would go out for walk to call him). H said that they’ started to get close and were acting more like a couple. He said he started to develop feelings (pretty sure they existed long before that tbh) and it didnt feel right. He said he didn’t want to be in a position where we could all turn around and say that he was having an affair all along. He said his loyalty to me was greater than his loyalty to her, he told her he didn’t feel he’d really given his marriage a chance and they agreed to stop contacting each other.

I don’t know how today has made him feel in terms of his feelings for her, other than he’s sad it’s happening to someone he cares about. He gave me the spiel about not stopping caring just because he’s not in contact.

I guess I’ve lectured him today - about how he was asked to protect himself and his M from this but left that door open, that it’s not his job to support her, that in choosing the M he was choosing a certain path and there was no role for her, that he should have been working towards letting go, which is why leaving the door open created a massive risk. I said I know you care and I hope she has friends and family to support her, but it’s not his job to be there for her. How many days/weeks/months was he going to continue to support her without telling me? He said he hadn’t processed that right now. I feel like he wants to be there for her because of his comments that she was there for him. He’s apologised for lying but said in the moment he was scared of telling me. I said that’s nonsense, you made a conscious decision to hide your screen and then delete the texts and then lie about emailing someone else for a good 5 minutes afterwards, in the hope that I wouldn’t keep pushing it. I mentioned the times he’s done this before - he whinged that he’s never going to be able to get away from the past misdemeanours if I keep bringing them up. I said not if you keep resetting the counter to zero. That I had hoped to be 100 steps down the road from this by now but he’s just reset the clock .

Right now he can’t separate out the fact that he cares for her from the fact he chose to work on the M.

Yes we are struggling to reconnect - we’ve not done our MC homework that was set nearly two weeks ago so I’m struggling to see his motivation, but I’m not pushing it, as I’m seeing small amounts of progress in other areas. Bottom line is he still doesn’t see me as a lover and is not initiating the exercises we have been tasked with doing. To be fair, he had an op last week so it’s been a hard week/weekend.

He’s been really mopey all afternoon now, trying to appease me with coffee etc but I think he is reeling from the news. Like you say, what impact has it had on him? I think he is back to being torn between us again, unfortunately.