Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

(((Pommy)))

Dude. These Hs. They need a support group like this of their own, honestly. (Actually, it *is* too bad there isn't something like this out there for them.)

First, I just want to empathize with you so, so much. I know how you feel. I've been there. It is awful.

Second, what does your gut tell you about whether he's telling the whole truth, here? About her just reaching out today? Maybe he just learned about the cancer today but that doesn't necessarily mean that this is the first text. Am I right in remembering that he was in contact with her while you were separated? Do you know how they ended things in that context? I'm just wondering if she was aware that he was choosing to work on his M and that he didn't want to have any level of interaction with her, or was it looser. That was the case in the spring for me-- I was under the impression there was zero contact, he was still in some minimal level of contact, then she shared the big news that flipped him upside down. Of course are situations are different and I think my H was (is) in way deeper with his AP than yours is with his. But it could be that he has been in some minimal level of contact with her and that could also explain his inability to really reconnect with you.

Third, if he is trying to work on the M, he is simply not the right person to support her through this process. He can't be. She needs people around her who can be fully present and he cannot, if he wants to also save his M. He needs to tell her that and disconnect. By the way, were you here when Kristin G was posting? Her wife's AP also had a cancer diagnosis in the middle of their sitch, if you want to find her old threads and read through. It was more like the fall 2019-- i think she started posting right around the same time I did last fall.

Fourth, everyone here is going to tell you to kick him out, full stop. He's lying about this, he's probably lying about more, how can you trust him in the future, etc. Boot him to the curb. (I have to say, we sure are quick to call for kicking WHs out for a divorce busting board.) But, is there a reason to do that today? I'd be more interested in understanding why he hid it from you. My guess is that the immediate lie (I'm doing email) is almost automatic-- he'd been lying to you in the same situation for so long that it just pops out. Would he have approached you and told you it happened after the fact? Is he only mopey because he feels sad that she has cancer? Or did this dredge up all the feelings and their fantasy runaway future together where he could have tenderly mopped her brow and supported her through this? (I don't say that to hurt you but I can tell you one thousand percent that is where my H's head would be.)

If you choose not to kick him out right away, maybe in your next MC session you can explore with a professional why he lied and give him the chance in a neutral setting to say if there is more going on. Best case scenario, they haven't been in contact, she did just reach out, he's understandably thrown for a loop when you walk in-- who wouldn't be-- but instead of telling you what was going on, he spit out a lie because he was scared you would be angry and kick him out if you found out he was texting her. And, this setback is the motivation he needs to truly figure out how to go NC and protect himself from future contact with her. Worst case scenario, well you've read my thread

I guess I would just agree with LH about the long road part. You need to decide what you can and can't live with, where your boundaries are and how you can respond when they're breached. if this is the best case scenario, kicking him out might be a little premature. As WF just posted on my thread, recovery is never going to be a straight line and there will be setbacks. But, if you think this is a continued behavior and you simply won't be able to trust him going forward, then you may be ready to toss in the towel. Luckily, it is your call. You are in charge here. I would say no matter what you decide, this is your time to withdraw from him a little, focus on yourself. If any part of his mopiness is due to some wayward feelings, you distancing a bit is going to be a lot more effective than yelling at him.

(((Pommy)))