Not sure I have a reason to hope...

[Pommy99]

Sage, this is such a difficult situation. Both my Ds had birthdays within 5 weeks of H leaving. (14 & 16). Both times we spent the day as a happy family (at our house as we were in lockdown) then late evening he would go back to his rental. It broke my heart both times and took me days to recover. I don't know how much my girls benefitted from the happy family scenario. Perhaps they spent the day hoping that dad wouldn't go back to his other house that night; perhaps it broke their heart too when he left at the end of the day; perhaps it didn't affect them negatively at all. It hurt me seeing separate cards in the house from mum, and from dad. I also resented giving him a wonderful family day, entertaining him, giving him the best of me (in front of Ds) to make sure they had a lovely day.

I did it because I thought it was best for them. It didn't occur to me at the time (because I didn't feel it until afterwards myself) that it might be painful for them. They also had to witness me not holding it together very well for a couple of days afterwards.

How old are your children, and when is the next birthday event? You may be more detached by then; it may be an opportunity to show both yourself and H how far you have come. if the event is quite soon, then perhaps think about how much you can handle - if not a full day together, how about a shortened, fixed window of time; maybe a neutral location, then you can be the one to get up and leave. Can you think about alternative scenarios to what you have just experienced, or what you would do traditionally, and see if there is one that allows you to do what's best for the child, whilst minimizing the emotional impact on you?

Sending hugs {{{Sage}}} x