Coasting part 2

[Valeska19]

Im a bit of control freak and really working on this, im at a stage where i take no interest in his life i dont even know where he lives at the moment, i have definitely worked on this and only even try and control my actions and emotions.

I'm glad you are doing a 180 here. Control often enables the other's behavior. When we step back - life teaches them all the things they need to know. It seems like even though your H didn't like your control, he was more than happy to hand it over when things proved too difficult for him. Now that you are letting him experience ALL of life's up/downs - he's rejecting that. Keep allowing him to feel those natural consequences. Good and Bad.

H felt that he wasnt my priority, that he wasnt 1 st on the list that he was always “later” after the kids after my work and in reality between work and dropping and picking up the kids I was exhausted and yes i just about managed to do all the basics, i felt burnt out and with his we need to do something about our marriage i just felt like i was pushing him away more and more the more he pressed. Just before he ended things he booked a spa for us for a long weekend and arranged for his mum to have kids, this was the first time in months that i felt excited and a relief that he has done something rather than pressed me.

I can see that. Control does burn us out. Add neglecting self care, not asking for what we want... just creates an emotional exhaustion that often leads to "checking out" or "giving up". Seems like both you and H have done a little of that.

I was in ic, and honestly i feel so much better, i just think im having a feeling sorry for myself day particularly after he said i stopped loving you.

That makes sense. That's rough to hear... but don't give it too much power. WAH spew lots of cr@p.

He doesnt want to tell the kids about ow, as in he only wants them to know thT she is a friend thats it. Its just one of those sneaky ways to integrate her into their lives. Ow is 22 for goodness sake and lives at home with mum and dad. He said he would like her to get to know the kids.

Try to avoid the mind reading here. Whatever his reasons are his own. It's in his lane. You stay in yours.

You are right about victim mentality and im really changing that for myself, anything you advice i read about it.

I really like the work of Vicky Tidwell Palmer. She's got a great podcast about boundaries which I LOVE and I really enjoyed her book. Although the title can be a little off putting - I find alot of it very relatable. She often refers to Pia Mellody too if you want to look into her works as well.

I am a very logical person too so VTP gives me tools which I can actually put into practice because "not controlling" feels so uncomfortable for me. I don't want to control others and get frustrated by the fact "I need to" but then when I let go - I get scared. And when I stop controlling others and put the focus on myself - well it can often be painful. Staying in my own lane and allowing others to stay in there feels impossible at times. Her work helps me stay in my own.

I should have heard him when he was screaming that we are in trouble, i shouldnt have felt sorry for myself. But that is all history now.

I experienced the same exact thing and when I fully admitted my part - I cried for two weeks. History can be a great teacher. It your H does mention R and If you have ignored him in the past - perhaps a 180 would be to validate. Nothing huge... just maybe a "I hear you" or "that sounds really painful".


If you are able to/want to. I know you are emotionally exhausted. Take care of you first and perhaps the validation will follow after some time.

You are doing really well Gigi. Hang in there.