Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity

[DnJ]

Hello Cardinal

I do love the questions you are asking yourself. Shows a lot of inner reflection, and finding your beliefs and values.

When DnJ says standing is for you, this is what I think of: I choose to live by my values and beliefs--at this point, even if I do hold out hope H will come back to the H I knew someday, that's not the thing driving me.

Excellent.

Your life gets driven by you.

Remember, you have plenty of time. Exam your beliefs, values, and convictions. Strengthen or create those you want and admire, and alter or discard those you don’t.

Your beliefs will drive you. Live your beliefs.

For instance, I stayed calm during the last interaction as he told me what I would pay and when (because I'd already been planning to get my own account and stop depositing my checks into our joint account), but post-interaction, my anger starts to rise up, and it feels like I'm not defining or enforcing a boundary. Why? I'm trying to figure this out. Maybe someone here can help me untangle this.

Feelings. Let them flit. Do not make decisions based upon feelings. Look to your beliefs.

This journey is counterintuitive. It will feel wrong at times, until you get to the other side. Other side of what you ask? Grief.

You are working your way towards acceptance.

You are posting a lot of feelings. Perfectly natural and ok. You stay calm for an interaction with H, and then get angry after. You hold your tongue, you want to say stuff, and you wisely know better. But, you feel different. Hence all the questions.

One of the thing I see is indifference. You are indifferent while discussing and then that indifference falls away. Again, quite normal; indifference rises and falls just like everything else. The new interactions with H, your new job and the beckoning financial freedom it affords, stir up emotions and realizations of loss. Those realizations and loss is grief.

We all traverse our grief at many different stages and different events depending on what happens and what we can cope with at the time. All of us are in all of the stages for different parts of our situations. Somethings you are close to acceptance, even forgiveness. Others you are angry about, still walking towards acceptance and healing. And grief is not linear, nor well delimited between various stages.

Specifically for the above statement of “it feels like not defending or enforcing a boundary”. Let it go. It’s a feeling. Those will flit away once not reinforced. So very counterintuitive, and feels so wrong. Have faith. (((Cardinal)))

I'm starting to feel like he has crossed and crossed and crossed a huge boundary, which is: I will not be disrespected! I will not accept this treatment from anyone!

I’ve already spoken about feelings. Let’s discuss boundaries.

Boundaries are for you, not H (or whomever). Boundaries protect you, and might influence H’s behaviour towards you.

Boundaries are not for things you want, they are for things you need. Respectful behaviour towards you during interactions is such a thing. Your self worth is yet another.

There are a few kinds of boundary templates. Basically there is setting the boundary and enforcing it.

Setting: When you _____, I feel ______, I want __________ .
Enforcing: If you ______ I will __________ .

Example: When you cook your food and leave the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel like I'm living with a pig. I want you to clean up after yourself from now on and show some respect for my home. If you continue to behave like an animal I will move the dishes into your room so you will be more comfortable.

A boundary is USELESS unless you are prepared to ENFORCE it. You will be challenged and tested on every one of your boundaries. So make darned sure you can enforce them because if you don't you are wasting your breath and increasing the contempt he feels for you.

Boundaries are serious stuff. Ensure you know and believe, not just feel, in the boundary.

This treatment being: my H wants a D but does not file and instead continues living here with me, his wife, while dating. He does not/cannot see how that is disrespectful to me. What that says to me is, "You don't matter anymore. You don't matter, even if you were and technically still are my wife. You don't matter, you barely exist in my world, so why bother with the mess of filing for a D?" (I'm putting aside, for a moment, that fact that he also occasionally tells me I have no right to live here.) Or, now, "You matter only because you are now able to pay half of the joint expenses." Whether that stems from MLC or not, whether H can see it that way or not, isn't that what his actions are saying?

Cardinal, your feelings are getting the better of you. Let them wash over you. Focus on you.

You are filling in a lot of blanks here. Projecting your anger onto him and his behaviour. Mind reading by thinking, and unfortunately starting to believe, the “what that says to me”.

I decide whether or not I accept that behavior, right? Have I been implicitly accepting it without fully realizing it? I don't think I've succeeded in not internalizing, at least partly, his warped point of view.

H most definitely has a warp point of view. His ideas and reality is skewed and twisted. Be careful not to internalize it, although I do sense you have somewhat believed his narrative. I also see you rising up from it. All pretty standard stuff for the healthy journey of the LBS.

About his behaviour. You choice of wording - “Accept that behaviour” - is interesting.

You seem to be speaking from emotions here, and it is confrontational. Either/or thinking going on - “I decide whether or not I accept that behaviour, right?”.

Accepting. Yes, you do decide to accept or not. That is within your control. It’s control I want to discuss, for it goes with boundaries. You only control you. You cannot control H.

Counterintuitive alert! You have to accept H’s behaviour. (I know I just said you get to decide, bare with me). H has the right to behave however he wants too. And he suffers his consequences from his behaviour. Accept that.

You decide to accept the disrespect, or not. There is a difference.

You cannot stop his behaviour. You boundary the disrespect. For example, leave the room when he is disrespectful. Period. Every single time. No exceptions. He speaks to you properly or you will go into another room, and he can talk to the wall.

You do not control H. You cannot stop his behaviour. You control you. Your boundaries’ enforcement is what you can control. Which are your thoughts, actions, and reactions.

This treatment being: my H wants a D but does not file and instead continues living here with me, his wife, while dating.

I pulled out just the behaviour or lack of action, and left all the anger and emotions and mind reading out.

Get to your intellectual realm. That place of indifference. H is typical MLCer behaviour. This is H’s path, which has nothing to do with you; it is all about him. His dating is a band-aid, is just running and not facing his demons. As is all his outbursts and blaming you. You know all this! And, you feel different.

Do not make decisions based mostly or solely upon feelings, those will lead to regret, guaranteed.

H wants a divorce and doesn’t file. Why? The simple truth, because he doesn’t feel like it.

MLCer’s are driven by their feelings. The less confrontational, the less pressure, the better chance of them progressing along their path. It’s his journey, and you are not invited along.

I would have given anything to have my wife remain in the house and stall in proceeding with a divorce.

Why does your H feel like not proceeding? Who knows. Perhaps he is confused. Well no, he is confused. It’s when they aren’t that they jump and blow things up.

The question is why is he confused? That answer is something inside him. Something might just be there, a wee realization, a small whisper of doubt, that he is on the cusp of making a huge mistake. Stay the course Cardinal.

Focus on you. Treat him like a roommate. No pressure, and let him see that you are not the cause of his torment.

Is that what you want? Is that how you want to live? Probably not. However, stand for you! Find your beliefs.

Vows, marriage, yourself, loyalty, for better or worse (you are in the worse right now), faith, hope, etc.

Stand for you.

You can outlast his MLC. He may not awaken. And he may awaken. No matter what, I guarantee you will!

Stay the course, it is for you. The outcome is so worth the struggle. You are worth this struggle.

Let go H. Give him to God.

Let H own his D, if that is what he chooses to do. You are prepared, and will deal accordingly, and businesslike.

There is no rush, for you have the gift of time, even though it may not always feel like it.

D