Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[sandi2]

I have always loved my W and I did focus on providing and achieving the best for our family. During the last year of our M I was under great pressure because S2 had just been born and I created this silly idea on me that I had to push for a better house, job and life in general now that we had 2 kids. Intimacy went down the drain with a baby next to us and an au-pair in the room next to us. Now looking back I can realize back then she was already resentful, she would not appreciate any of my actions or suggestions and she also pulled away from me. Being in this dark place I became irritable and I cut conversations. I dont think I have been a poor husband, I just did not prioritize the M as I should have done and I assumed my definition of love (bigger house, better school, helping her find a better career) was her definition as well. I am not trying to change the message, I am just saying by the end of the M I had also become a person you would not go have a party with, just some reflections on my side of the problems.

Thank you for explaining. This sounds a little more in line with your description when you first came to the board.

This is how she behaves with me. No talks about me being loving.

That is why your post dumbfounded when me when I read about her saying she wanted to see you being a loving H before she went back. You had never told us about it.

Originally Posted by sandi2

How many times have you contacted in some form or fashion since that original message about an open marriage? Do you remember why I told you not to contact her for the 15 days?

You told me because you thought she would test me right?

No! That is not why I told you to wait 15 days without contact. When you heard about your W cheating, you contacted her and you gave her 15 days to give her answer about the M. You had already done all of this before you told the board, and we were trying to get you to calm down before you regretted further mistakes. My advice was to go NC during the 15 days you had given her in the ultimatum. I did tell you I thought she would test you by contacting you......if you went silent. However, that was not the purpose for you to go NC during the 15 days, and you have contacted her several times. What part of NC do you not understand?

Below are quotes from of your posts that followed my advice of NC:

Things have gone worse, I did send her a message telling her I thought her behaviour was despicable and she was a lousy wife and mother (yes I was freaking inspired there but I let my emotions run wild) and she passed it on to her L. I have been warned by my L because of domestic violence so I am backing off totally. Basically, all the things I thought she would never do, she is doing.

We have been communicating via email and yesterday afternoon I spend some time with the children which was great for me. S6 told me we are separated because I was "bad with mommy" which was very hard to hear but I calmly told her I was never bad, only nervous and it will never happen again.

If I try to talk to her about the information I got on her going out wild she will ignore me, she treats me like a dog again. Yesterday when I dropped the kids we met at her elevator and her words were "It was back by 21 not 21:15 and do not ever come up my elevator" then she tried to take the kids and leave but I stopped her to kiss them goodbye.

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We have been communicating as I said over email the last 2 days.

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I think a lot about your comments on how things had to get worse before I could see a change if ever, well I dont think things can get any worse than when your W threatens with police. [color:#CC0000](First of all, I wasn't the one who initially told you things had to get worse before they would get better, which was alright b/c I agree that things will have to get worse for your W. I don't think you fully understood what that mean, although, LH explained it.)

I felt the quote below was somewhat misleading about the advice I had given you. You make it sound as if I advised you to send her the email and then back away from her. No, I told you to not contact during the 15 day period.

[quote]thanks for all your support. I read all your messages yesterday many times, I decided to send her a message and back off as Sandi suggested.

Here is what I wrote :
"I need to talk to you, without shouting and without contempt, as you imagine I still believe that we can be very happy but for me our marriage is not dead and I will not live in an open marriage where we can do whatever we want because my values are that I have promised to be your support and partner for life and I will fulfill it if you allow me. At least grant me the dignity to sit down with me and explain to me how you feel. I'm not going to pressure you into anything, right now I'm going to pull away from you because I don't think I can go any lower and I need to think about who I am, who you are, what we are together and what I want in this life. If you prefer that we never talk and the days go by I will decide how I want to deal with this for me and the children."

Recently, you posted how you went shopping with S6 for school clothes, and you contacted your W to invite her to join. Paco, can you not see that inviting your W to join you to shop is pursuit? She can't stand to be around you! Just b/c it is shopping for S6, does not allow for pursuing your W. Frankly, I think you use the children as your excuse to contact her. Do you think since she said she didn't want to hear you talk about anything other than the children, that's your free ticket to contact her? How many times do you find something as an excuse to talk about the kids, when in reality you just want to make contact with her? You need to get real serious about NC, Paco, b/c your actions cause you to look weak. Yes, you are suffering, but you have to let yourself feel the pain. Mourn the passing of the marriage, b/c it is dead. She doesn't want you. No matter how much you want to save it for the kids, she doesn't want you. Until you can let it go, you will not improve yourself as a man. You will make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Control, ultimatums, pursuit, & pressure. You must lean to change these in Paco. You must learn to make these changes apart from her. Why? B/c these bad actions come from a place inside of you.........not your W. You've done some wonderful things in other areas, but it doesn't appear you've worked on the inside of Paco. Know what I mean? Those are the hard things to change.

You keep asking how to proceed. I will tell you. It's the same as you've already been told. You are always talking about fighting for your M. Stop fighting for the M. Stop recommitting everyday to your M, b/c it sends your brain mixed messages. I feel that is why your posts have sounded confusing. When you exchange the kids, just say hello and goodbye to her. Don't have a conversation with her. If she tells you something about the kids, you can listen, but otherwise tell her goodbye and walk away. Don't show her your emotions. At the moment, you can't have a positive relationship with her, b/c you want her for a W, and she doesn't want it. You have to step away from her and leave her alone. You have to stop the struggle and let her go, before you can expect to have a friendly relationship co-parenting your sons. You've pressured her from the beginning, instead of learning how to leave her alone and give her what she wants. I know you wanted more, but I am telling you it's not going to happen like you wanted. It will probably take her years before she's willing to act nice.

Most of all, stop looking for the "next step" to do. Sometimes, you just have to "be"........instead of "doing".