Thanks for the advice, kml and Sage, and for the kind words of encouragement, PLC and wooba!
I've come across some things that belong to H as I was cleaning out my desk. I decided to just collect those kind of things in an envelope and give him the envelope when (I'll think positively here) he moves out. I don't know what to do with the pictures of us. They seem pointless to keep now. I guess it's best to just put them in a box for the time being, as you say, kml. The wedding albums--it's clear all of this bothers me. I feel like he should have to bear the physical evidence of our M as much as I do, even if that's deciding to stick it under his own bed or throw it away. If I have to make those decisions, he should too, instead of taking the easy route of just leaving it all with me and pretending it doesn't exist. I know he does have some cards and other tokens from me in his nightstand, so at least he will have some stuff he has to deal with moving or keeping hidden away or tossing or whatever. I thought about all the photos his mom has of us, and that brought me a little comfort. He can choose to forget we were ever married if he wants, but it doesn't change the fact that we were.
Originally Posted by Sage4
And on to what KML said about the 'stuff': a boundary around this may be to pick your battles but don't play all your cards at once, if that makes sense. You need to keep some bargaining chips, as she said.
Sage, I'm so glad you posted this! I wasn't thinking about this in terms of boundaries at all until you pointed this out. It's one thing to know what I will or won't spend the energy fighting for, but it's another to just keep giving, giving, giving, I think. I don't want my not caring about, say, a TV, to get confused with my accepting what H has previously expressed--that I don't deserve anything. I think this is what I was trying to figure out a few posts ago, when may said what does it matter what H thinks, as long as I know why I'm doing something (or not). I don't think I have well-defined boundaries for myself in this area, and that's why everything feels muddy.
IC reminded me to keep repeating that everything is joint property, no matter what I choose, no matter what H says about whether it should be his or not. He might yell about our M not being a partnership so he can avoid responsibility, but that doesn't make what he's saying true. She reminded me not to drink his koolaid, and I feel like sometimes the koolaid is on slow drip, and I'm not conscious of it. And then I remember it and get angry.
For instance, I stayed calm during the last interaction as he told me what I would pay and when (because I'd already been planning to get my own account and stop depositing my checks into our joint account), but post-interaction, my anger starts to rise up, and it feels like I'm not defining or enforcing a boundary. Why? I'm trying to figure this out. Maybe someone here can help me untangle this.
I'm starting to feel like he has crossed and crossed and crossed a huge boundary, which is: I will not be disrespected! I will not accept this treatment from anyone! This treatment being: my H wants a D but does not file and instead continues living here with me, his wife, while dating. He does not/cannot see how that is disrespectful to me. What that says to me is, "You don't matter anymore. You don't matter, even if you were and technically still are my wife. You don't matter, you barely exist in my world, so why bother with the mess of filing for a D?" (I'm putting aside, for a moment, that fact that he also occasionally tells me I have no right to live here.) Or, now, "You matter only because you are now able to pay half of the joint expenses." Whether that stems from MLC or not, whether H can see it that way or not, isn't that what his actions are saying? I decide whether or not I accept that behavior, right? Have I been implicitly accepting it without fully realizing it? I don't think I've succeeded in not internalizing, at least partly, his warped point of view.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Because if you don't have boundaries, you are essentially saying one of two things: 1) I am worthless (which reflects poorly on the other party's choice); or 2) you are powerless because you can do anything to me and I will not react, you are so beneath me/not worth my reaction/I am bigger than you.
Am I essentially conveying that to him by (outwardly) accepting the status quo?
Maybe I am starting to realize how much it has crept into my subconscious, and I resent him for that.It's like I live under his assumption that we are roommates and therefore I owe him X, Y, Z, but then I have a moment of recognition and remember I never chose to be roommates with him! I chose enter into a partnership with him in M. He ended that partnership. I don't want to be his roommate--I don't want to have discussions about splitting the internet bill and water usage. Why am I still here? For a while it was because I had hope that H would turn around. That's no longer a reason. I'm still here in this house because I believe I am entitled to it--he wants a new life, he should leave. Even as I've come around to being more open to leaving myself in the last month, I still believe that he should be the one to leave. Another reason I'm here is that I can't afford the rent of another place, even on my soon-to-be new salary. (And I think the new salary means I may not be entitled to support, or at least very little.)
Why haven't I filed? I still want him to own his decision. Faced with challenges in a M, my choice is to at least attempt to work through those challenges. My vows were for better and worse. I don't have control over what he chooses, and obviously he doesn't choose any of that. Whatever his reason(s), this is where we are. When DnJ says standing is for you, this is what I think of: I choose to live by my values and beliefs--at this point, even if I do hold out hope H will come back to the H I knew someday, that's not the thing driving me. Best-case, a great house would come up for rent, magically at this same price (hundreds lower than current market), and I could live my values and beliefs elsewhere, with separate finances, and not care about what the heck H was doing with his life. But now he's going to have a roommate (me) who's paying him for half the expenses--why should he ever lift a finger to D? To move?
I fantasize about calmly saying to him next time he brings up what costs we should be splitting, "Funny, that we're still married, and you've been dating for months now. Do you ever think about the fact that we're still married?" Or, you know, when I'm on conferences at home for new job, loudly referring to my husband over and over just to remind him and hopefully push him to, uh, start the steps to change that status. I know how pointless all of that is. I know! But especially when he is acting outwardly happy and like everything is normal, I want to remind him (and me), Hello--this is not normal! You are living as if we are D and we aren't! (Remember when I just wanted to be friends, at least, with H? I think I'm finally accepting this is not how friends treat each other, and I don't want that version of friendship.) Definitely channeling some anger from May's thread and her ability to lay out the facts for her H!
I sometimes wonder: if I wasn't so resistant to (and probably accurate to say scared of) losing so much money in this process, would I decide to file, simply because it is a formality at this point, doesn't preclude future R, and because I'm ready to embrace this new life on my own? Would I have hired a L to hopefully help get him out of this house by now? (Maybe if they had assured me that would be easy, it would be a different story.) One thing this last year has taught me is that I really, really value feeling secure, and financially secure. All of that was taken away with BD. It's one reason I felt ready, recently, to leave this state--it's so expensive, especially when you don't have the benefit of two incomes. I do not want to lose the money I have saved up in the last year on my own, the money that will help me get my footing in this next, independent part of my life, to a D I didn't want in the first place. Isn't that the main thing stopping him--not wanting to face the financial reality? Does that make me as irrational as he is? Oh, boy. Didn't this post start out about boundaries? I do think it's all related.
