I agree, I am 100% all over the place. One day I get up full of resolve, the next I'm jello. All STD testing has been done, one of the first steps I took. I read Sandi's rules over and over trying to memorize them, I guess I'm having difficulty making that hard jump into them.
You basically need to withdraw support to the degree possible. If he makes a mess, *he* needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable him in any way.
If he gets mad at you, you shrug it off, you don't engage.
If he cries in front of you, you let him cry and you make NO effort to comfort him.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are *not* mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience him, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by him.
When he senses that he's losing control over you, he *will* fight back. He will try to manipulate you to stay invested in him. The more you resist, the harder he will try. He'll scream and yell, he'll accuse, he'll break down and cry, he'll blame. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel *worse* than giving in to him and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WAS as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in him is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with his affair partners and outside interests, he can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that he has you to fall back on if things go badly for him. You've already proven that you'll save him and have sex with him. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
He needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if he chooses to return, and that if he wants to come back he's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell him that, he'll never believe it. You have to show him that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are.
You need to regard him with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest. Whatever he does, your toes are still tapping.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from him (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, he'll clamor to come back and if he doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your nature.
I'm very sorry you're here. Everything he told you about your faults was nonsense to justify his affair. When you then respond to his complaints you validate them, so he feels even more entitled to have her affair.
You've been trying to "nice your way back".
It's not working, it will never work.
You cannot placate him, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push him away by withdrawing support.
He has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
You need to make things *worse* before they can get better
Are you willing to do that?
If not, you can expect many more years of the same thing you have now.
Thank you LH, I've read your response over and over. Lots of great advice and to the point.
"You've been trying to "nice your way back". It's not working, it will never will"
You're right. From January to August I poured my heart and soul into our marriage, he continued to cheat.
I believe he does see me as an insurance policy not to mention that I basically do all of the back end / accounting for our small business as well as all the financial, insurance, etc for us personally. He admitted in one of our discussions that he's have no idea where to even start. That's been a huge issue for me even since January, does he keep me around just because of the stuff I take care of? I pushed it aside and tried to love and nice my way back to him. It blew up in my face.
"He needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if he chooses to return, and that if he wants to come back he's going to have to work for it."
This is the problem, he doesn't believe I'll leave and why not? I proved that back in January by forgiving right away and jumping right in to save the marriage, right? I've taught him over the years that I'll get angry, stamp my feet but a couple of days later I'll be back to my cheery, chatty self. Granted nothing was ever as serious as an affair, but I taught him to *wait me out* and that's what he's doing right now.
"Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
You need to make things *worse* before they can get better
Are you willing to do that?"
Yes I am. I have nothing to lose here and everything to gain, either a great marriage or moving on to a great life and honestly, I'm sitting on the fence as to which of those paths I'd like to take. I will never forget how low I felt a few weeks ago when I realized that while we were on a date night he snuck off to the restaurant washroom to text her. The level of disrespect in that is astounding.
I had last evening and most of today by myself, it gave me the opportunity to read DR. After being confused on how I should proceed, I now realize that from January to August I was basically doing LRT and that what LH19 suggests is what the book refers to as 'after' the LRT. Click! Now I get it.
I've done the work in the book and set goals. I'm still a bit confused as to how I'll know when he's done BSing me and actually sincere if it comes to that and he wants to R, but that's a bit off in the future, if at all. We won't be able to work on R until he removes OW from his life and proves that he's done so, that's my top boundary.
Last night H suggested that maybe I could 'visit' him in his man cave after D9 went to sleep so I informed him the bakery is closed as long as he's having an A. It didn't go over well but not as bad as I thought it would. He simply replied 'whatever, I'm not going to fight with you' to which I responded 'that's great because there's nothing to fight over' and I calmly went back to reading (not DR).
When he got up this morning he was a bit cranky and short, I stayed calm and pleasant. When he returned from work in the afternoon seemed a bit calmer and amicable, I avoided being in the same space as him as much as I could. He and D9 were going racing and usually I would see them off at the door but this time I had her come to where I was and I kissed her and told her to have fun. I noticed that H hung around the kitchen a bit longer than usual but when I didn't come he left. He just called a bit ago to say they're on their way home and stopping off for a snack and wanted to know if I wanted him to bring something home for me.
Our typical pattern is that I get angry, he waits me out and in a few days I go back to 'normal'. He probably figures this is just a phase and if he waits me out the same will happen. I'm preparing myself for this to get way worse before it gets better.
Trust me you will know if he’s serious. You can’t make things better while he’s in an affair and great job at closing down the bakery. If he’s in an active affair you should try to get him out of the house as soon as possible.
Read what I posted to you every day and stick to it. It’s the only thing that works in these situations. Remember that you didn’t get into this overnight and you won’t get out of it overnight.
