Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

Hi all,

thanks a lot for your help and comments. I did not want to write a long post and I kept the messages short but given the confusion caused let me try to clarify.

I neglected the intimate relationship with her and let the pressure of our conditions turn me into a bitter and pessimist person anyone should be entitled to leave. Now I try to show her my appreciation, my love and respect and all it does is add up resentment?

This is not exactly how you initially described your sitch. You said you followed old traditions and felt the H's responsibility was to provide for his family. You worked long days to provide well for them. You also stated that some of the old traditional ways were to pursue, and that's basically all you had known to do. You posted that your W was unhappy b/c you did not spend enough time with her. Your current post has a different tone.

I have always loved my W and I did focus on providing and achieving the best for our family. During the last year of our M I was under great pressure because S2 had just been born and I created this silly idea on me that I had to push for a better house, job and life in general now that we had 2 kids. Intimacy went down the drain with a baby next to us and an au-pair in the room next to us. Now looking back I can realize back then she was already resentful, she would not appreciate any of my actions or suggestions and she also pulled away from me. Being in this dark place I became irritable and I cut conversations. I dont think I have been a poor husband, I just did not prioritize the M as I should have done and I assumed my definition of love (bigger house, better school, helping her find a better career) was her definition as well. I am not trying to change the message, I am just saying by the end of the M I had also become a person you would not go have a party with, just some reflections on my side of the problems.

You have told me in many occasions it is not the time for showing that love but she keeps repeating to me that she wants to see that loving and new person before coming back. She has told me many times you cannot turn into a loving and nice person only when I say "oh yes Pack, I want to save the M". Not that I want to give importance to what she says, this is really one of the few things she has repeated over and over.

This is the first I've heard about her telling you any of these things^^^^^^^^. You have shared with us how angry she was every time you tried to talk to her, blaming you for everything, and telling you she would never go back to you. So now, you are saying she keeps repeating how she wants to see that loving and new person before she goes back?

These comments happened only during covid lockdown on a number of conversations we had in a better tone when exchanging the kids. She has always been angry and resentful towards me. She told me to stay in Germany, that I am the source of all her problems, she talks to me in imperatives only and keeps saying I need to see things her way and that I am the one to blame for all that happened. Those comments about me being nice even when she is b@tchy were a number of calm conversations during covid and you helped me have a very clear picture that they meant nothing so I never gave them more importance.

When last month I was rereading DR I stuck into my head that blaming and asking for dates was a waste of time and only harmed me more.

LAST MONTH? Are you saying you've been asking her for dates? According to what you posted, you were trying to not contact her, except regarding the children. So, which is it?

I have not asked her for any dates, I just re-read the book and many of my mistakes during the past months came to my mind so I made notes about them. Our last interaction was when she had the children last Wednesday afternoon. At 21 she was meant to bring them here and I got an angry call saying "Are you going to pick them up or not? You dont know the things I have to do or the plans I have to go out." I told her we had not agree the pick up and that I was expecting her to bring them. Her reply was "You told me that! how long will it take you? let me know I will come down"
Then she hanged up, I tried to call to explain I could be home waiting for them because we had not agreed on that but she would not pick up. I ended up going to grab the kids and she was there with her mom, they were probably going out for dinner, I dont care. I picked them up and we went home.

This ^^^^ is how she behaves with me. No talks about me being loving.

This is beginning to frustrate me! You make the above statement as if the thought just occurred to you, after reading the book again. What about all those times we have told you to leave her be and not pressure her? Were we just blowing in the wind?

No, I have stopped the contact and the pressure.

How many times have you contacted in some form or fashion since that original message about an open marriage? Do you remember why I told you not to contact her for the 15 days?

You told me because you thought she would test me right? Even if it does not mean being ready to work on the M. I have not contacted her aside the kids. Yesterday I went shopping for school material for S6 and I sent her an email "W I am shopping school material and clothes for S6 today, if you want to join us just let me know"

What I meant, Paco, is that your W left you b/c of how she feels. She was fed up with you and the MR. According to previous information you have given us, she is filled with a lot of anger and doesn't want you talking about anything other than the kids. IMHO, that's a clear indication that your love & commitment is not the issue that is preventing reconciliation. You seem to believe you can change her mind by talking about the relationship. She has told you she does not want it. Even after you heard she cheated, you want to discuss it. Let me tell you something, and please listen. If your W left you for any other reason than healing and working toward reconciliation.........then she sees her business as private. In other words, she doesn't believe you have any right to say something about her seeing OM. That is the thinking of modern women these days. She won't be impressed by your threats. Neither will she be impressed if you endure her affairs.

At the beginning of our S at home in Munich she told me many times I was the problem and I had to change but that she was tired of fighting for something that has never existed. At the same time, she kept saying she was 99% sure she would not be able to fall in love and be attracted to me again. Since she moved out her speech has been this is forever and I have told you multiple times. Those comments about me being the issue, me having to change made me think that she was not sure and there was a chance for R. However, her actions speak very clearly.

I can't help but wonder if you have kept some of your actions hidden .........knowing you shouldn't be pursuing her. There have been a few times I have wondered if you say what you think we want you to say. Previously, I thought it was due to the language or style of writing. After reading your last post to me, I just don't know what to think.

I have not hidden anything. Now we see each other more often because we have on day for visitation with the kids when they are staying with the other. This is being very hard on me because I see her and I feel impulses to be fun, to approach her, to ask her about her day but all I get is "I dont want to talk to you"

I hope this can help clarify the current situation. As I said yesterday I went with S6 shopping for school and then we ordered sushi at home. Being there for his first day at school has felt great.

I run today my first half marathon in 1:46:20 and I am incredibly proud of this!! Tonight I am meeting some friends for drinks and I will probably try to take the kids to the cinema this afternoon, let's see if I can find a move in English in our local cinema.

I am starting to think in a healthier way but I am still torn by what has happened. You all are helping me to understand she sees herself as single and free. I dont see myself that way, to do so I would need to D. This conflict of perceptions hurts a lot, I need to go through that pain and think about me and what I want to do. I will keep waiting those 15 days with no contact and making myself a better person.

Thank you all!
((hugs)) Pack