Yes, there are glimpses of the person they once were. At times, seemly fully aware of where they are, and what they’ve done. And the darkness then drags them down, and it’s back to the shark-eyed crisis person.
You have seen this incredible shift of personality. H is still inside, a lost soul. His younger tormented self, is in control - running, blaming, projecting - in a futile attempt to feel better. That person needs to grow up and learn happiness comes from within.
These shifts, these moments of somewhat clarity for them, usually happen when they are calm and unable to distract themselves with their vices and running behaviours; like laying in bed in the still dark of night unable to sleep as the demons of regret and guilt play. One can see just how depressing that would be. Depression is a huge component of MLC, it’s is always present.
His path is still about him, as is his apology. It is more an attempt to relieve his guilt than assuage your feelings. Of course apologies do both, and he most likely realized and even meant, both.
That flood of relief. It felt good. Remember it. Reinforce it.
You have seen that shift. You know. You’ve seen. You’ve felt. Now what do you believe?
Beliefs are deep and slow changing. Strengthen this belief.
You did great during all of this interaction. Non-judgemental, calm, and no twisting the knife. That is so very much for you. Hold your head high, you are living within the light and grace. This also allows H to realize you are not the source of his pain and problems; something he saw and briefly displayed.
How can one not have compassion for such a lost soul? You know, and believe, the depth of his torment. Imagine what it must take to feel that destroying one’s life and family is the only way out. Desperation drive people to desperate actions.
I know the narrative that play(ed) within your head, making you question your own sanity. I think you will “hear” his words and not “listen” to them quite as much. You have a better and truer narrative hopefully playing.
It is really wonderful when the fog clears some more and we see better. You are compassionate and displayed good control of indifference (holding it together until alone in the car).
You are doing very well Sage.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
