The other day, H and I had to have a talk about one of our children having a really tough time with the transition and how we could coparent through our child's emotions. I felt calm and non-judgmental in our conversation, and although there were a lot of triggers in that conversation for both of us, neither of us took the bait, nor did we twist the knife. For the first time, I thought that maybe, just maybe, we might be able to amicably coparent. H had a moment in the conversation where he started crying about the situation, and I saw a glimmer of him recognizing how hard this is on all of us. Previously, all of his words and reactions felt very self-centered, as if his feelings were bigger and more important that any of ours. So this was new.
When H came over later to collect the children for the night, we continued the conversation. I had mentioned in our phone convo that I was hoping to shorten the kid exchange transition times (they have been taking 45 mins from his pick up arrival to their departure). He asked me if that was because I couldn't stand being around him? I said no, it was because I had plans and also needed that extra time to get some things done. So he kept saying, 'I am going to get out of your hair, sorry that I am still here, etc'. But I shrugged it off and said that talking about our child was more important than whatever plans I had.
In the middle of a mundane conversation about the location of something irrelevant, H stopped, looked at me and apologized for all the horrible things he has said about and to me. And told me that not one of them were true. That I was amazing, loving, kind and a really wonderful mother, woman and human. He then hugged me, and I said thank you. And then we transitioned into something else.
I held it together for the rest of our visit, which was pleasant and had some easy banter. Then I got in my car to run some errands and sobbed and sobbed. I know that someone shouldn't have so much power over me, but this is the first time in about 10 months that I haven't questioned my sanity. I have spent so long hearing about the 'terrible, manipulative, controlling, psychologically abusive, awful' person that I was, that I had come to believe that maybe all those things were true.
And with the apology, came this flood of relief. That maybe I am not to blame for all of this and I am not a horrible person after all.
Of course, the following day, it was back to shark-eyed H. Although he has maintained the pleasantness. For the time being, anyway.
Is this normal MLC behavior? My gut tells me he needed to say it to relieve his own guilt, more than assuage my esteem.
