The thing about having a partner, a true partner, is that you CAN lean on them. You can be petty and grouchy and say you know what? I can't right now and they will understand and pick up more of the burden for you while you recover. It just can't be like that all the time, and you both need to do it-- it can't be one-sided. You're in a place where you have done truly heroic things to keep your M together and your H *should* be picking up the slack, IMHO. His turn to work overtime and shoulder some of this burden you've been carrying and be glad for the opportunity to do it without needing to be constantly reassured of where your head is.
My question to you is-- have you said any of this to him? That you need to understand the WHY of what he did and you don't have that from him yet? If he doesn't fully understand that yet I think it is OK for him to say that to you, but I think he also needs to be able to understand that it is important for you to know the answers and that he's willing to do the work together to get to a place where you're comfortable in the end, whether it is MC or whatever.
On the depression... I'm assuming you're working with your IC on this. I don't know that I would take for granted that your base level is depressed if you aren't responding to trauma-- I think the current state of the world right now is really difficult for everyone, and maybe you're reacting to that plus kids entering adulthood and piecing more than the letdown of the stress of the A. You're tired. Anyone would be. (Most people would have collapsed and given up long long ago.)
Anyway, just know that you have a whole community of people here rooting for you and thinking of you. You deserve to be focusing on yourself right now. Is there anything you can do just for you? Give yourself a little mini break?
xoxoxo (((WAYFARER))) You are the very best, you know!!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
