Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[sandi2]

I neglected the intimate relationship with her and let the pressure of our conditions turn me into a bitter and pessimist person anyone should be entitled to leave. Now I try to show her my appreciation, my love and respect and all it does is add up resentment?

This is not exactly how you initially described your sitch. You said you followed old traditions and felt the H's responsibility was to provide for his family. You worked long days to provide well for them. You also stated that some of the old traditional ways were to pursue, and that's basically all you had known to do. You posted that your W was unhappy b/c you did not spend enough time with her. Your current post has a different tone.

You have told me in many occasions it is not the time for showing that love but she keeps repeating to me that she wants to see that loving and new person before coming back. She has told me many times you cannot turn into a loving and nice person only when I say "oh yes Pack, I want to save the M". Not that I want to give importance to what she says, this is really one of the few things she has repeated over and over.

This is the first I've heard about her telling you any of these things^^^^^^^^. You have shared with us how angry she was every time you tried to talk to her, blaming you for everything, and telling you she would never go back to you. So now, you are saying she keeps repeating how she wants to see that loving and new person before she goes back?

When last month I was rereading DR I stuck into my head that blaming and asking for dates was a waste of time and only harmed me more.

LAST MONTH? Are you saying you've been asking her for dates? According to what you posted, you were trying to not contact her, except regarding the children. So, which is it?

I thought, ok let yourself switch into inaction, leave her be and do not pressure her.

This is beginning to frustrate me! You make the above statement as if the thought just occurred to you, after reading the book again. What about all those times we have told you to leave her be and not pressure her? Were we just blowing in the wind?

When I sent her the message about an open marriage I had a huge step back, I am not sure how to react now and I am trying to follow your advice on letting the 15 days go by without contact.

How many times have you contacted in some form or fashion since that original message about an open marriage? Do you remember why I told you not to contact her for the 15 days?

Originally Posted by sandi2
Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.

What I meant, Paco, is that your W left you b/c of how she feels. She was fed up with you and the MR. According to previous information you have given us, she is filled with a lot of anger and doesn't want you talking about anything other than the kids. IMHO, that's a clear indication that your love & commitment is not the issue that is preventing reconciliation. You seem to believe you can change her mind by talking about the relationship. She has told you she does not want it. Even after you heard she cheated, you want to discuss it. Let me tell you something, and please listen. If your W left you for any other reason than healing and working toward reconciliation.........then she sees her business as private. In other words, she doesn't believe you have any right to say something about her seeing OM. That is the thinking of modern women these days. She won't be impressed by your threats. Neither will she be impressed if you endure her affairs.

I can't help but wonder if you have kept some of your actions hidden .........knowing you shouldn't be pursuing her. There have been a few times I have wondered if you say what you think we want you to say. Previously, I thought it was due to the language or style of writing. After reading your last post to me, I just don't know what to think.