H has been home for a few weeks now. We try to spend as much time together as possible while juggling work, 2 adult kids in the home with their own issues, and other life activities. I continue to engage with my friends, bible study, and other GAL activities. H is attentive, present when we are together, talks a lot about plans for the future, and feels confident about our future together. He is planning a get-away for my birthday next week. It will be nice to be out of the house and just the two of us. We need it.
I stay committed to the process, but reserved about the outcome. Lots of issues he still must overcome. I see them peek out, and I don’t think he even notices it himself.
H is testing the waters of Christianity. He comes to church with me every Sunday, and seems to be engaged in the teachings. We discuss them sometimes. I don’t pressure him to come, he just gets ready to go and does. He never did this in the 29 years of marriage.
H continues in individual therapy, and we have started couples therapy. Luckily we both feel very positive about our MC. I have been open and vocal about addressing issues as they arise, and he has too. One instance with our daughter left me crying my eyes out. We talked it all out, and that really was a first for us. We both felt heard and validated.
I enjoy his company. He says he enjoys mine. We have always been good companions. It’s hard to not say every little thing on my mind. Hard to not address some big issues, too. Timing seems to be so important. I told him when he moved back that I wanted our home to be a sanctuary, and the tough stuff can be brought up at counseling. He agreed. I sometimes regret those words, and I want to address it NOW.
But, as I know from these boards, H is still fragile, and I will have to sometimes suck it up, well, maybe not sometimes but a lot, and wait for better moments to address the past and some of his current struggles, some of which he doesn’t know I know about. We really haven’t started that process yet.
H still has demons attacking him. I can feel it. He will need to dig deep, very deep, to overcome their draw. He has quite a ways to go yet. But his desire for a happier, more fulfilling life, is also strong. He has said so. I can strongly sense he wants it to be so. I try not to doubt what I know God can do for people. But I also know H has free choice, and ultimately it will be what he chooses.
I am taking one day at a time. I have no idea what our future holds, but I can see it with H. We just need to heal. I don’t know what that looks like, but am willing to see where this next stage of my journey takes me.
I took a break from writing this, and found the old post on piecing that I downloaded quite a while back. I read a bit, and realized I need to give it a good read, from beginning to end. I’m only a few weeks in, and can feel my impatience already. I need to regroup, and remember that this will take time. Lots and lots of time.
