Welcome to our weird little world ING. I'm happy you're here. I don't know that I could've survived any of this with out this place. Take what works. Leave what doesn't. And most of all right now is a time you put you and your kiddo first. And absolutely nothing else. Radical self love.
May, I gave some thought to what you were asking me as I've been asking myself those questions for a while. I think part of it is while the apologies are prolific, so I can see he's incredibly remorseful, the explanations and answers remain sparse. IC feels that I have to choose to either accept that he simply doesn't have them or isn't ready to share them if I want to keep moving forward with H. But that I'm with in my rights to say not good enough and walk away, but she doesn't feel that's what I want. It's not. I have to accept that it's going to take time for him to truly understand WHY he did what he did even if he's understanding and accepting responsibility for the full scope of WHAT he did. The reality is I'm trying to rush his process because I'm sick of mine. I'm tired. That's the reality here. I'm tired of working so d@mn hard. I'd like to work just a little less. I'd like to sit back and have him carry this for a little while.
Which brings me to my other thought on this. My depression is creeping back in. And think that's why I'm so exhausted. I function well in crisis because I'm an "over do-er." I guess in crisis there are "under do-ers" and "over do-ers" and I'm the latter. Violently the latter. Without a crisis to manage. Without trauma to respond to. Or kids to keep afloat during said crisis or trauma I'm left with my base level. Which is apparently a depressed person. The current state of things pandemic, social unrest, children entering adulthood, my work having no idea what the plan is here for WFH or return to work, none of that is helping the anxiety and depression. And then let's just dump repairing a MR onto that. I just feel emotionally drained constantly.
The last thought on this is well I'm feeling a little petty right now. Since he's so much a puppy for me. Everything I say or do worries him. I was having a really bad anxiety day. It had nothing to do with him, which I was pretty clear about, but he must have asked me 20 times if I was ok, if we were ok, or if I was mad at him. And that deep down petty part of me wants to be like well I carried this MR and househould for 8 months, get to work bro. I'm going to kick back and deal with my own stuff, while you try to keep this together. Don't I deserve that? Especially since I'm the best thing since sliced bread lately.
I just need to track how much of this is really my problem and how much of this is an us problem. But I'd also like to feel like this is going to stop being so much work all the time. I'd like it to be a moderate amount of a moderate amount of time...lol.
