You basically need to withdraw support to the degree possible. If he makes a mess, *he* needs to clean it up. You do not step in and enable him in any way.
If he gets mad at you, you shrug it off, you don't engage.
If he cries in front of you, you let him cry and you make NO effort to comfort him.
You go out and "get a life" and you don't feel *any* responsibility to explain or justify what you're doing, you just do it.
Very important: You are *not* mean, punishing, or passive aggressive. You don't make nasty comments. You don't go out of your way to inconvenience him, you simply act as if you are completely uninterested and unaffected by him.
When he senses that he's losing control over you, he *will* fight back. He will try to manipulate you to stay invested in him. The more you resist, the harder he will try. He'll scream and yell, he'll accuse, he'll break down and cry, he'll blame. The minute you engage, you lose. This will be uncomfortable, it will feel *worse* than giving in to him and engaging. That's what making things worse means.
Often people mistake this fighting on the part of the WAS as interest -- that they want you back and that's why they're engaging you. Don't be fooled -- you being emotionally invested in him is an insurance policy and nothing else. If things go horribly wrong with his affair partners and outside interests, he can always come back to her comfortable marriage.
It’s a huge comfort to know that he has you to fall back on if things go badly for him. You've already proven that you'll save him and have sex with him. You need to pull that safety net away entirely.
He needs to *fully believe* that you will not be there for her if he chooses to return, and that if he wants to come back he's going to have to work for it.
You can't tell him that, he'll never believe it. You have to show him that beyond a doubt with your actions.
Ever run into a crazy person on the sidewalk who points at you and yells at you? You do what you can to minimize the interaction but after that you move on. It doesn't ruin your day, it certainly doesn't hurt your self-esteem or make you feel worse about who you are.
You need to regard him with exactly the same level of detachment and disinterest. Whatever he does, your toes are still tapping.
At the same time, you have to build a life for yourself that anyone would want to be a part of, full of fun activities, outside interests, and engaging friends. If you can do both of those things -- completely emotionally uncouple from him (fake it until you make it) *and* build an amazing life for yourself, he'll clamor to come back and if he doesn't you won't care. That's your only winning path out of where you are, but getting there is going to be uncomfortable, and more painful than you feel today, because it will go against your nature.
I'm very sorry you're here. Everything he told you about your faults was nonsense to justify his affair. When you then respond to his complaints you validate them, so he feels even more entitled to have her affair.
You've been trying to "nice your way back".
It's not working, it will never work.
You cannot placate him, you cannot "prove your love" through acts of giving and support.
You also cannot push him away by withdrawing support.
He has chosen her course of action, and as of right now, *nothing* you do will impact it.
Your shortest path back together is to go the opposite direction.
You need to make things *worse* before they can get better
Are you willing to do that?
If not, you can expect many more years of the same thing you have now.
