Thank you ovrrnbw. The books are on order and I should have DR tomorrow. I'm going to take your advice and not make any major changes until I've had a chance to read them both.
Just to get your opinion and to have the details here so I can refer to them later. A week after BD2, on a Sunday I informed H that I would no longer be cooking his meals or doing his laundry. Now, one of H's love languages is acts of service. Of course, this made him angry.
He bought all of the stuff he needed for his lunch salads that weeks but didn't make his lunch Monday or Tuesday and he was late coming home both nights after work. I assumed he was going to OW for lunch and dinner and this was later confirmed by one of his friends. The strange part is that he got up Wednesday and made his lunch salad and continued to do so for the rest of the week and he had takeout Wednesday and Thursday (brought home the leftovers) and had dinner with D9 Friday night. Starting Wednesday he was home every night as well.
I asked one of the XW I spoke with, who knows OW better than I if this was likely due to OW refusing to play wifey if she wasn't the wifey? XW responded no, OW would love that. That it was more likely that because H was forced to spend unscheduled time with OW that he saw something he didn't like.
The following Sunday I texted him that D9 and I were having a simple supper (it was actually one of his least favorite meals) but he was welcome to join us if he wanted. He responded if you want me to. I responded that we're still married and yes, I'd like that. He was grateful and joined us.
After that, he made sure to let me know of his whereabouts everyday and was home every night. I'm sure they were still texting/talking, but they weren't seeing one another in person. He invited me out for family ice cream time which I accepted and he began making his usual loving gestures towards me, we were intimate that night which was the first time since BD2.
That week I began doing things for myself. Got my nails done, he and D9 were having a daddy/daughter night on Friday, he invited me but I informed him that since he didn't invite me sooner I already made plans with a girlfriend (one he doesn't know). I made sure that night that I got home later than they did, met him in the hallway gave him a quick kiss and told him I was tired and going to bed. I saw the confusion on his face.
He started going out of his way to do nice things for me, text me through the day just to see how my day was going, etc. All of this was before I found DB. Was I striking a balance here or was this the typical scenario that I've seen played out on so many of the threads here?
A week ago Saturday we agreed to try to R again he reluctantly moved back to the MBR. Tuesday he came home and informed me he was going on a boys trip on the long weekend. I lost it! Then he lost it. You see, he's been rewriting our history and one of his major issues is that I have him like a chained dog. Absolutely not true but that's how he sees it. I told him I wasn't mad about the trip I was mad at myself for believing he was ever going to make me a priority in his life again that I'd hoped he would have used the long weekend to work on us. I told him all I want is for him to love me and he responded, quit making it so hard. That stung. Worse, I played right into his fantasy that I keep him like a chained dog.
I admit I screamed some foul words at him, told him how selfish he is and reminded him that I didn't create this mess he did and that he wasn't a victim here. Not my finest hour but boy, it felt good to get that out after all these months. I went NC the next day and then found DB while googling trying to find a solution to this problem. He moved back out of the MBR that night, his choice.
From Wednesday through Monday I only responded if he initiated contact first and then only responded with a generic response like 'thanks for letting me know', 'glad you're having fun', etc. He was away From Saturday morning through Monday night. It was peaceful actually. This week I've been trying to be less removed in case of the 'more of the same', still not initiating contact but it's different this time than it has been. It's strained and awkward on both our parts which it's never been during this whole crisis. He invited me to dinner with himself and D9 last night and the conversation was pleasant but awkward, lots of long silences. I know I'm not supposed to read anything into that but it's difficult. I guess this is one place where detaching will come in, I hope.
Any thoughts on where we're at here?
It sounds like you need to read the book and dive into Sandi's 37 rules. You are all over the place. Also, if I were you I would get tested for STDs. We just had a woman on the board get STDs from her wayward husband.
