Hi dear Cardinal. I have been meaning to chime in with congrats on the job offer. I see you following your intuition and allowing yourself to be guided by the universe's divine wisdom (some may call that God, but that is not my language). You are being led and you are listening; two key components to navigating your way out of this challenging season in your life. ((Cardinal))
I loved your last post on my thread, but wanted to reply here on yours because I feel like my answer is a good follow up to KML's comment about maintaining some bargaining chips. Her comment is another version of a boundary and I am interested in exploring all variations of boundaries right now. But firstly, your post on my thread:
Originally Posted by cardinal
Originally Posted by Sage4
Another helpful tidbit that I learned in that session (and have heard repeatedly since in a short period of time, so the universe is really speaking here): mentally ill people need REALLY clear boundaries. IC helped me choreograph some boundaries surrounding the spewing which I (unsurprisingly) had an opportunity to execute the following day. And it worked.
Was this you pretty much saying, "H, I will not listen to you attack me" during the last spewing?
Pretty much. I believe I said something along the lines of 'I am no longer interested in your opinion of me and will no longer listen to you say mean things to me, so I am hanging up now...' And I subsequently told my kids: 'No one is allowed to speak to me disrespectfully any longer, I will not tolerate it from any person any more.' (I can't just hang up or walk away from the kids, but there are the two versions). The verbiage is hard because you need to make this about YOU and not about H's behavior.
And on to what KML said about the 'stuff': a boundary around this may be to pick your battles but don't play all your cards at once, if that makes sense. You need to keep some bargaining chips, as she said.
And to further the boundary conversation (which you touched on in my thread); NOT having boundaries is demeaning to the other party. Why? Because if you don't have boundaries, you are essentially saying one of two things: 1) I am worthless (which reflects poorly on the other party's choice); or 2) you are powerless because you can do anything to me and I will not react, you are so beneath me/not worth my reaction/I am bigger than you. Which is the exact opposite of what we intended the other party to feel when we dimmed down, took it all on the chin and didn't state a clear boundary.
So find those boundaries, girl. It really is the most compassionate thing you can do for H (and yourself) at this point. I see you. (((Cardi)))
