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[cardinal]

Sage, I relate to a lot of this. I've felt responsible for H's angry outbursts or moods for a long time, I've realized this past year. Of course, he felt I was responsible too, which reinforced my thinking. I wish I would have been in IC to learn more about boundaries sooner—it probably wouldn't have helped change the outcome of the M (I can see how H was pretty much always on this path of non-communication, shoving feelings down, and blaming others for his unhappiness), but it would have helped me! Paradoxically, I think H was also really bad with boundaries and always taking care of other people's feelings at the expense of recognizing or expressing his own--his solution now is to not care about anyone else. Anyway, I'm still working on this. Understanding boundaries is one thing, and learning how to live them is another.

Another helpful tidbit that I learned in that session (and have heard repeatedly since in a short period of time, so the universe is really speaking here): mentally ill people need REALLY clear boundaries. IC helped me choreograph some boundaries surrounding the spewing which I (unsurprisingly) had an opportunity to execute the following day. And it worked.

Was this you pretty much saying, "H, I will not listen to you attack me" during the last spewing?

And although I am able to reflect on lessons such as this, I am still struggling with my grief and sadness. I don't want H back in the shape he is in at the moment, but I am still dealing with the rejection, the hurt, and the pain of it all. While covid homeschooling a pack of kids and trying to rebuild my life.

((Sage)) Yes, the grief and sadness, the rejection and hurt... all of that coexists with rebuilding. As my focus has started to shift away from H and to my own plans for the future, I am sometimes taken aback by the moments the grief and hurt and all of that comes flooding in again. You're doing great, and you're modeling your growth and compassion and strength for your children as well.