Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

I told her that was a very unfortunate message, I was not proud of it and I thought there was value in our family and that she was the best thing that ever has happened to me.

This behavior is repeated over & over again. The words may change a little from time to time, but the message you put out there is the same.

This action is self-defeating, b/c you pursue a wife who no longer wants you. You continue the same behavior and expect different results.

I am feeling very discouraged lately because with a cold mind I see it has been 13 months and I have never received a sign of doubt or positive reinforcement from W. She is indeed done with me and all I think is that the problems we had are easily solvable.

In your opinion the problems are easily solvable. She does not agree with your opinion. You have tried to make her see your way is the correct way. She does not agree. She has the freedom to feel whatever she wants. The more you try to verbally convince her you are correct, the more you are defeated.

You see the separation as not being an open MR. Apparently, she does not agree. You say you will endure. What does that mean? You say every morning you recommit to your M. You say you believe in your M, and that you stand for your M. That is your personal decision, however, you cannot force it upon her.

Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.

You don't want to file for D? Fine, then don't file. However, stop sharing YOUR feelings and YOUR viewpoints about the M with your estranged W. It only adds coal to her fire of resentment.

hi Sandi,

Please don't feel like I have not listened to you but let me ask you something. You say rightfully that the problem that lead to this S was not my lack of commitment or lack of love for her, I neglected the intimate relationship with her and let the pressure of our conditions turn me into a bitter and pessimist person anyone should be entitled to leave. Now I try to show her my appreciation, my love and respect and all it does is add up resentment? You have told me in many occasions it is not the time for showing that love but she keeps repeating to me that she wants to see that loving and new person before coming back. She has told me many times you cannot turn into a loving and nice person only when I say "oh yes Pack, I want to save the M". Not that I want to give importance to what she says, this is really one of the few things she has repeated over and over.

To me, enduring means focusing on the good things in our M and the changes I need to make to give her the best incentive to come back. It means deviating my attention to other things, friends, the kids, my career, excercise... while I patiently wait for her to make a decision. It does not mean being the one who files and it does not mean living as if we were divorced.

When last month I was rereading DR I stuck into my head that blaming and asking for dates was a waste of time and only harmed me more. I thought, ok let yourself switch into inaction, leave her be and do not pressure her. We came back from holidays and she was back on fire telling me we had no future at all and to only speak about the kids. When I sent her the message about an open marriage I had a huge step back, I am not sure how to react now and I am trying to follow your advice on letting the 15 days go by without contact.

I have made up my mind that I will not file unless W is having an A in front of me. I dont think that is the situation so then I can refocus on me and endure. Sandi, aside from my ups and downs and the need to refocus on me, how do you see my current situation?

Given the decision to go on without filing and the time that has passed since this nightmare began. How do you recommend I act?

Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.

It is entirely up to her and I have accepted that. Now it is a time in my life to change and grow, that is all I can control. Would it help if I become resentful towards her? I am trying to avoid those feelings as I think they only bring more harm. It is being very hard for me to remain a polite father, and that is all I should be in front of her now.

Let's get back to building that amazing life without her and GAL. I still have patience in my pockets.

Posting again in case Sandi comes by!