Thank you for sharing your perspectives, everyone, for the encouragement and congrats! It's starting to sink in that I will no longer be financially dependent on H, and that is helping me feel stronger. It's also sinking in that I will be staying here for a while, and I think I'm starting to accept that I won't be making any big changes just yet. The timing of the offer is starting to feel more and more meant-to-be in many respects, and the team I will be working with has been very flexible and supportive in my starting at reduced hours since I was already contracted to teach this fall. I got my current minimum wage job just before BD, almost on a whim, and it has provided me with much-needed escape and at least some financial independence since BD. Now it feels like this new job comes as I'm entering a new phase post-BD. Rather than question a million things or see it as a block to my leaving, I'm going to look at it as an opportunity absolutely meant for me to take right now, one meant to lead me to whatever is next.
Originally Posted by may22
You being stepped on or standing up for yourself-- to me, it seems like a perspective thing. if you know you're doing the right thing for yourself, you're doing the right thing and standing up for yourself, even if you did that just by saying nothing. If he thinks he got to squash you but you aren't squashed... who cares what he thinks? You know the truth and can be secure in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing for yourself and for the right reasons. Him feeling smug for getting one over you is no different from him thinking all the other ridiculous things he's been thinking.
This is so true, may--the last line really makes sense! Your post really helped me. I'm still reading along with your thread and rooting for you, always, even if I haven't had much to add lately.
Originally Posted by job
Giving him options when it comes to the TV was great. Use that tactic whenever you can.
Thanks for your advice, job! I am about to tell him he can move it to his room--I really don't care if the TV is "his," and if it benefits me now by giving me another option for WFH, why not? I am thinking letting go of whatever doesn't matter to me property-wise is a good idea in general, as maybe it will give me more leverage later on the things that do matter. Plus, I stay aligned with my values, in not allowing possessions create more conflict.
I do feel like I'm dealing with a toddler sometimes, and not a teenager--the pattern has been that H says, "Well, X *should* be mine, because I paid for it!" or whatever--because his story has become that I was on vacation for the entire marriage while he made all the money. He doesn't take any responsibility for the life we created together--as usual, anything he didn't speak up about or was fine with until BD is now my fault. He changed the password on our Alexa which I'd been using, and I asked him if I could continue to use it while we were both living here (again, not really caring if he ended up with it in the end or not--I just wanted access to the lists I had already made). He immediately escalated and said, "That should be mine, because my uncle gave it to *me* for Christmas!" I just said, I'm not planning on fighting you for it; I'm just wondering if I can continue to use it for the time being." He then said he hasn't used it for months and months and even deleted the app off his phone, which I pretty much figured. He's not even using it, but his default stance is to say, MINE! Is that MLC talking or just someone who is holding onto control in any way he can?
The gift of time has definitely been helpful in that I feel like I've let go of the need to spend energy or money trying to get any material object in the end. I hope that will serve me well in this process, and allow me to gain in other ways, and to hold on to what does matter.
I'm also realizing H is repeating patterns he repeated throughout our M, like not being open to discussion. If he every did speak up about something he wanted to do or do differently from what I was proposing, I would say, well, let's talk about it, or I would say, okay, let's do what you want to do, but he would always get short and moody and immediately say, "Never mind! Just do what you want to do! It's fine!" If I tried to choose what he wanted to do after that, he would REFUSE. If I tried to talk about what he wanted, he would say, "It's over! Drop it! I don't care anymore." He would assure me that he really didn't care, he wasn't even thinking about it.
This is the same thing he's doing now. He's not capable of having a discussion about an agreement or splitting things up. All he can do is, for once, I imagine he feels, assert what he wants and tell me what I will or will not get/do. He either gets what he wants, or if I question it, like in the case of moving the TV, says immediately, "I don't care! Leave it!" so that his narrative becomes about his, once again, giving in to me or giving up something so that I can have it.
Because of IC, because of this board, I'm now able to step back and recognize that this is all about him. I can see that he hasn't worked to really recognize or change any of his patterns. This is why a D won't automatically bring him peace and happiness. He's still going to be full of resentment and the same pattern is going to repeat in other areas of his life—it started with his mother and repeated with me. But here I am, still hoping that he will look at himself more deeply one day and see that all of this wasn't 100% my fault. I do still feel that I need to be out of his life completely before he would ever be open to the possibility of seeing things differently.
Funny enough, he's been in a good mood since our "talk." No wonder--he's looking forward to more money and I didn't have to protest anything so, yes, job, he still gets to play king of the castle. Or it's just another cycle of his moods. I have to keep in mind it's never really a result of anything I do or don't do, even if it seems that way. I really need to keep working on seeing his tantrums or moods as a result of decisions he is making, and not a reflection on how I handled an interaction with him.
Also, this:
Originally Posted by Kindly
I’m learning that 9 if not 10 times out of 10 silence is golden. Trying to communicate with my H right now only brings more conflict he doesn’t want to hear it and can’t understand any of it anyway.
