The boundary I created seems to be working: H has not spewed at me once since I stated that I would no longer listen to it. In fact, he has been trying to be kind and gentle in his communication with me lately, which I am grateful for, although I can't trust him yet.
Setting that successful boundary has empowered me to acknowledge where I might need other boundaries in my life, either with him or my children. When one of my more vocal children started to throw a fit and spew at me, I calmly stopped them and said in a very even tone 'from here on out, NO ONE is allowed to treat me disrespectfully and say rude things to me. Not your father, not you or your siblings, no one. In this family, moving forward we are going to treat each other with respect. It's OK to get angry and have big feelings, but we are not going to blame others for those feelings and I am going to help you with that.' The child stopped short and really listened with a look of respect in their eyes.
I have since had that conversation with another one of my children. They have responded really well and I am realizing how long my children have watched me emotionally bend and enable in my MR and how that has impacted them. I thought my enabling and emotional gymnastics was my duty to my family; I had so much psycho-emotional energy to give, I thought I was being the 'bigger' person. But now I am slowly recognizing how destructive that behavior was. The children saw me as strong, but yet I would yield to behavior from H (and to a lessor degree from them) that I was instructing them not to accept from, nor give to, others outside of our family.
Previously, I thought that carrying everyone else's emotional burden (and outbursts) was me being compassionate and understanding. But this period of my life is teaching me that having boundaries IS compassionate. I am fortunate to have 4 little mirrors in my life that are helping to teach me this. And in many ways, I am fortunate that H has done what he has done when they are still little and malleable. I have so much time until they are truly 'cooked'; so much time to learn, shift my own behavior and model for them a life of strength AND compassion.
And although I am able to reflect on lessons such as this, I am still struggling with my grief and sadness. I don't want H back in the shape he is in at the moment, but I am still dealing with the rejection, the hurt, and the pain of it all. While covid homeschooling a pack of kids and trying to rebuild my life.
