Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Pack_19]

I have made up my mind that I will not file unless W is having an A in front of me. I dont think that is the situation so then I can refocus on me and endure. Sandi, aside from my ups and downs and the need to refocus on me, how do you see my current situation?

Given the decision to go on without filing and the time that has passed since this nightmare began. How do you recommend I act?

Pack, I know this question was for Sandi.

So... you've decided to cede control of your life decisions (whether to file for D or not) to your W. As long as she hides any EA/PA from your sufficiently, you are okay with it?

This is the one thing about which I cannot understand what part is under my control. I heard that rumor but I have no clues or suspicion that she has a EA/ PA. However, I wanted to talk about this and the moment we meet to exchange the kids she immediately starts saying she does not want to talk to me. I have tried to tell her in person it is an important subject but still nothing. She is ignoring me after that unfortunate message I sent, I dont know what to think. Have I caught her and her reaction is to flee? am I making this up? I will not give her control over that, what I am saying is that I cannot talk about the topic with her and I will not file based on a rumor. I need to calm down, I am not in a healthy place. Is there a way that I could arrange for that conversation without the kids? Maybe try to call her? I have been rejected so many times the idea of calling her disgusts me...

When I made a comment about what I heard in person her reply was "you are free to believe whatever you want" in a bitter tone. What do I make from that?

Sometimes taking control of your life is more about your MINDSET than about your DECISIONS. Think about that.

Your posts are bouncing around a bit. You are in the vortex all people feel for awhile in these situations. Try not doing anything for a few days, as many have suggested. No R talks, no decisions. Just... let... things... be. See if you can sit and tolerate your emotions without doing anything.

Thank you Unchien for this piece of advice. The only thing I knew during these last days for sure was that I wasnt in a good place and needed to calm down. Are you suggesting maybe my mindset should change to something similar to my actions saying W, R is not on the table anymore based on your actions along this S, I am taking control of my life again?

It is entirely up to her and I have accepted that. Now it is a time in my life to change and grow, that is all I can control.

This all sounds great, I just don't believe you have accepted it. You can't flip that switch overnight. Now work on accepting what you can and can't control (spoiler alert: You can only control yourself, in this very moment)

Would it help if I become resentful towards her? I am trying to avoid those feelings as I think they only bring more harm. It is being very hard for me to remain a polite father, and that is all I should be in front of her now.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

At least I got something right on the last few days...

Beyond that -- I don't think you can intentionally resent (or forgive) somebody. It can be a goal, but it happens organically and it takes time. You can absolutely foster an *attitude* of resentment -- obsess about her affairs, keep trying to control her and see her responses -- and eventually you will grow a thick hard shell of miserable negativity. Then you will be right and angry and it will make it easier for you to feel justified in your D. It's not the decision I would make. Again you would be effectively giving up control over yourself.

Let's get back to building that amazing life without her and GAL. I still have patience in my pockets.

This reads great on the screen. Be the words.

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I will do it, is the only path I have now to happiness.