I've been with H for 30 years Me(46) H(52) D(9). At the first of Jan/20 I confirmed he was having an PA. I knew all of 2019 something was going on, I expected to learn of an EA. He denied, I was crazy, it was all in my head, etc but I had undeniable proof in Jan so he finally admitted it.
We chose to try and work it out, I jumped in both feet and for 8 months we were happy. There were bumps along the way, but I was the happiest I'd been in years, I know he was happy too then in Aug/20 I got BD2 that he was still communicating and most likely still seeing her. I don't know if he was seeing her the whole time or if it recently struck up again.
I've been pouring over the information in these boards and I'm convinced he's in a MLC. We've always had a strong foundation in our relationship, friends, shared interests, etc, I'm hoping that will be an advantage here. For 3 years I've dealt with one crisis after another and I know I neglected him hard and that's what caused the crack that allowed the OW to get her foot in the door. Yes, he had a choice, but here we are. I've done my homework on the OW, she is a true predator and splits up marriages for entertainment. She's split at least 8 in the last 10 years that I'm aware of and once she 'gets her man' she immediately starts working to hook the next. Crazy!
I wish I'd found these boards in Jan because looking back I've done everything exactly wrong, I also see how he's been feeding me crumbs and cake eating, he's textbook. I know he still loves me, he's admitted in our many talks that he's confused, doesn't know what's going on inside him but he refuses counselling. It doesn't seem that he wants a divorce (I could be wrong) but he doesn't want to leave our home and he doesn't want me to leave either although he has moved out of the MBR. It also doesn't seem that he's ready to give up the OW yet either. Even this last month we've attempted to R a few times, something always happens to put us back at zero which is where we are now. He's actually very loving to me, hugs, kisses, cuddling, being intimate but he never says he loves me unless I say it first which I've now stopped doing re: the information here.
I've been working on myself and will continue to do so for myself, but I'm struggling with finding the right balance here between being an independent woman and letting him know I love him and want to save the marriage if we can.
I need help figuring out how to navigate this. Prior to Jan I was distant, neglectful, etc. Since Jan I've been the complete opposite so I don't know the correct 180 for pulling back, not initiating communication, etc. If I pull way back it seems like I'll be giving more of the same that was the starting point but if I'm overly loving he seems to like it but he won't do the things I need him to do to assure me he's gone NC with the OW so it feels like he's cake eating. I won't be in an open marriage. Help!
