Need advice on stubborn W

[AKuei]

Journaling after a long 6 months break. Nothing much has changed during these 6 months; hot and cold rollercoaster ride, sudden anxiety attacks, etc.

The funny thing is, the more time passes, the easier it gets. My anxiety attacks became less frequent and shorter in duration, I stopped thinking about the future so much about having a life together with my W (not saying totally, there were moments of weakness i must admit...), and generally I became someone that I would personally prefer if I compared against my last year self.

I've been spending a hell lot of time with the kids. W has been frequently hanging out with friends over dinner and such. At first I was resenting that how could she do these to the kids. But eventually, I sort of started to enjoy the fact that I have more time with my kids alone! I even brought them out to zoos and parks when she wasn't around! Loved it!

Another item that I've noticed is that I no longer care that much if my W has OM or not. Yes I will still be pissed off if i discover it but I've come to terms that her having an OM is a symptom; something that i do not have control of.

I've started a lot of new things for myself, went for gym and thai boxing classes and lost 15KGs till date, started to slowly learn the piano, on my way to fix my clarinet (i used to be a clarinet player when i was young) so I can teach my kids music too.. GAL the S&*( out of it haha!

It might seem generally it is smooth sailing but I do have my downs too. Anxiety attacks (less frequent now) and self-doubts happens and I felt as if a truck hit me and my heart was up on my throat. Had to distract myself for a few hours before the feeling subsides... that feeling [censored] but I guess given enough time I will grow out of it.

I've also been seeing a therapist ever since DDAY back in November last year. She's been trying to nudge me to open up communication with my W but I told her I'm not initiating and R talks unless she does because if I do it, it's a push. My W wants space and time and I'm giving a truckload of it to her.

I've been mostly cordial and friendly towards my W all the way. Chirpy tone and being a friend to her. She was sometimes joking or laughing at my jokes but most of the time she was just doing her own things and living her own life. I made it a point to steer clear of her life unless she asks me for help.

And now.. today is our 7th wedding anniversary. So i just went ahead and delivered a small bouquet of flowers(not roses), and only mentioned happy anniversary on the card. I'm not expecting her to thank me for it because I didn't want to break the tradition (I guess it's a wrong move) but she did respond:

Coldly.

"Thanks for the flowers but don't need to send me in the future."

Took me a few mins to collect myself and I responded "Have a great day ahead."

And then she started her usual antics of staying late for work and settling dinner herself, leaving me and the kids at home (I'm working from home because of COVID). Nowadays I feel that whenever she does that she's trying to draw the old me to start an argument; so that she can justify to herself that what she's doing to me and the kids is right because I was a jerk back then (to be honest, I was just a clueless H whom couldn't keep up with her, and my rare anger outbursts (twice) at the kids which I've totally gotten rid of)

"No worries." I replied. And then i quickly pivot my thoughts on what's for dinner with my kids tonight! I think i want to have steak to celebrate a little i guess...

Guess at the end of it I'm still not 100% there yet because it hurt a little today.

Any sage advice on how I can improve myself further and get rid of that hurt eventually? I still love my wife but I don't want to "nice" her back. I want her back on her own accord and start working on our M2.0. I don't want to go back to the old one anyway (wasn't that enjoyable back then in hindsight).

And lastly, thanks for hearing me out; whoever that's out there reading my long-winded journal!