Hello! Short update just got longer after my morning with H—bear with me, if you can!
Part 1:
I have continued to be so busy with job and planning upcoming classes, and then last week, after I'd really come to peace with leaving this state and started to get excited about all the other possibilities, I got a job interview here. And then, of course, two days later, a job offer. I hope the universe it telling me my time here is not done--that's the way I'm trying to see it. It's an entry-level job with great benefits and pretty good pay that will finally allow me to be financially independent from H, but the rental market is so bare and so expensive, it doesn't pay quite enough to give me the freedom to move out to another (inevitably much more expensive) rental. I will still make 20k less than H, but I don't know how much support I will be entitled to now, and I also wonder if the court will still order him to help with my L expenses. I had been dreaming about moving far away and cutting ties with this house H refuses to leave, even if that meant leaving the chickens, but now, if I accept the offer, I'm in the same stalemate house-wise.
I have pretty much decided to accept the job, because there is room for growth in the next year and hopefully more money, because I need job experience to transition to supporting myself and future opportunities, and because it's for an organization whose work I believe in. Everyone tells me this job doesn't mean I'm stuck here--I can choose to quit and leave in six months if I want to. But I don't feel like I have quite the freedom I had before the job offer--that I lost some power with H because I'm back to needing to stay in this house. Turning down the offer isn't really an option--I know how hard it is to get a job in this market, in these crazy times, how lucky I would be to have my own health insurance and steady income, and to work from home for the time being. I hope some of you here can offer encouragement, as I'm stressed about working from home with H, with learning a new job while teaching two classes when my energy level is waning after a year+ of this situation (my confidence is still lower than it should be after this last year, I'm realizing), all while dealing with H's moods and no longer being able to escape the house to go to work.
Part 2:
I'd been meaning to come here and post that update, but I have another set of questions after a not-surprising confrontation from H. I'd been planning to open my own account next month now that I'll have my own income, and to tell H that I would start paying half of the rent, utilities, and internet. Today I asked him to move my desk out of his room (it used to be my office/our guest room), because I'll need to start using it. I said, Doesn't have to be today, but sometime this week would be great--thanks!
I then expected a passive aggressive confrontation of some kind to follow, and about an hour later, got one.
In summary: H went out, came back, started tearing his room apart. I knew he would probably start rearranging his room, because he has mountains of stuff on my desk all the time, and nowhere to put it. He then came to my room and asked if he could move the TV from the living room to his room, because I get to use it, but he never gets to, because I "go to bed so early, he can't ever watch TV or play video games!" (My room doesn't have a door, just a curtain, and it faces the living room.)
I wasn't sure in the moment, so I said, Hmm. Well, I do watch it sometimes... He was already turning around when I followed up with, Could you use your headphones and use it even if I'm in bed?
Characteristically, he cut me off and said, "Never mind! It's fine!" as he was walking back to his room.
A few minutes later, he came back to say, "By the way, starting next month, I'm only paying half the rent, half the utilities, and half the internet. Welcome to the real world! And I can't have you pay for car registration because it's under my name, but if you want to drive the car, you're paying for the insurance, and I'm taking my name off of it."
I bristled because, once again, he's telling me what he's going to grant me and what he's not. I wanted to bring up the fact that he's basically been paying all of these things in lieu of support, but didn't. Since I was planning to get my own account and start paying for half of these joint expenses anyway, I let it go.
I did say that if he would sign the car over to me, I would pay for registration, insurance, everything. But if it's not my car, I said, I'm not sure if it makes sense for me to pay all of the insurance.
"I'm planning on giving you the car when we're actually divorced, but I've got to take care of things first. For now, if you want to drive it, you pay the insurance. That's how it works." (I didn't point out that I could get a court order if he refused to let me drive it--in other words, he thinks he has all the power, but that's not quite accurate. This would only inflame things, so I used this knowledge to reassure myself.)
Next, I brought up moving the TV and said I would think about it, because maybe I could then move my desk to the living room. I'm going to have to WFH in either that spot or in the entry way right outside his room. H made it clear that he knows I'm going to be teaching classes (I'm pretty sure that's why he decided to stop paying all the rent), but I didn't tell him about my other job offer.
I think because I stayed calm we were able to discuss pros and cons of desk location for a minute--he WFH in the kitchen, and the pro to me working from the entryway is that I can close a door that separates his room and entryway from the rest of the house. He of course is worried about whether he will be able to listen to music in his room during the day while I'm working. I didn't say much to this except that I would let him know what I decide about where I want to work. He ended with a comment about how the TV should be his because he paid for it, "but whatever." (Apparently anything we bought while we were married should be his because he paid for it, i.e. he made most of the income. Uh huh. But, in the end, am I going to fight over the TV? No.)
Questions:
1. Is it in fact fair for me to pay all of the insurance on the car if the car is still in his name? If he would just sign it over like he says he intends to do, it would be simpler because I would pay for registration and everything, and he wouldn't have to deal with it. I didn't keep pressing this point though. The way I see it, if I can afford to pay the insurance, it's not a big deal, and at least I get to drive the car without having to get a court order to keep driving it. I think it was more the way he said, "Pay this or you're not using the car," that I was objecting to, than actually paying the insurance.
2. Did I do okay in this exchange? I am still bothered that he continues to come and TELL me what I can and can't have, what I will pay for, etc., rather than approaching it as a discussion. It's clear he still does not see me as an equal, and thinks it is entirely within his power to order me to do whatever. This would be a problem if I wasn't starting a new job, as I would have to involve a L to get temporary support if he was demanding that I pay half of joint expenses when I didn't have enough income to do so. BUT since I was planning on bringing up splitting finances by the end of the month and my paying him half anyway, because thank goodness I have a job now, I just let him think he was running the show on this, because I saw no point in explaining that his attitude and assumptions were passive aggressive, unfair, or unkind. I'm getting what I wanted: desk out of his room, split finances.
3. On where to WFH: I should choose where to work based on where I want to work--where I think I could have the most focus and privacy; I shouldn't choose based on whether H will be able to listen to music or not. Isn't it fair to ask him to use headphones if he's listening to music during regular work hours, no matter where my desk is? (His music is loud no matter where you are in the small house.) Then again, maybe if I choose to work from the living room, which I think is his preference, he would be less apt to passive-aggressively start listening to music during the day anyway. In the end, I should be able to try out one spot and move to the other one if I choose to.
3. My instinct was to bring up this supposed D again, or to say, again, when is work on this supposed agreement starting? To again suggest mediation. But that feels like me pushing again and getting no results in return--I pushed for financial docs 6 weeks ago, and, no surprise, still have not gotten any. Should I be proactively doing anything else here? I have a retainer ready to sign as soon as I decide I need a L. I'm still holding out hope that H will decide to leave on his own. I'm not sure if getting served papers would push me to retain L right away or if it would depend on what else was happening. I think my friends are hoping I would just file, but I'm not quite there yet. There's not a lot in our joint checking, and I've been paying my credit card every month out of it, so I'm not going to demand half of that even—I'm just opening my new account and starting fresh. I still don't know, however, how much is exactly in the savings account I can't access.
I think I'm trying to reassure myself that I wasn't stepped over, even though it feels like it, since I didn't say much. All in all, I have some anger over how he continues to interact with me, but I did better this time at not engaging with him or trying to get him to see that, for instance, we are still married. Saying nothing still kinda feels like I'm not standing up for myself (even though in this case I think things were working out as I'd planned, and that's why I didn't speak up more). Mind-reading, but his attitude says he walked away likely thinking "She's finally gonna have to pay her share! I've been so nice in not demanding it until now," and still assuming he's got me under his thumb. There was/is still the temptation to want to reflect his warped reality back to him, but I know that is a lost cause. No matter what I say/do, he won't see things from any other perspective, and anything I say will be used against me.
I want to be able to walk away from an interaction with H, no matter how he acts, feeling confident that I am saying/doing/not-saying/not-doing all the right things, but I'm not there yet either. I do, however, feel way better than the last time I was drawn into his spewing and tried to have a conversation as if I was talking to old H. I'm not regretting anything I said, so that's the upside to not saying much!
