No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi all,

thanks for all your support. I read all your messages yesterday many times, I decided to send her a message and back off as Sandi suggested.

Here is what I wrote :
"I need to talk to you, without shouting and without contempt, as you imagine I still believe that we can be very happy but for me our marriage is not dead and I will not live in an open marriage where we can do whatever we want because my values are that I have promised to be your support and partner for life and I will fulfill it if you allow me. At least grant me the dignity to sit down with me and explain to me how you feel. I'm not going to pressure you into anything, right now I'm going to pull away from you because I don't think I can go any lower and I need to think about who I am, who you are, what we are together and what I want in this life. If you prefer that we never talk and the days go by I will decide how I want to deal with this for me and the children."

She has not replied to my message, she will not say a word and it is killing me (I came to write here as Sandi suggested because I am very nervous inside myself, if she doesnt answer is it not confirming she sees us as free to be with others?)

I have been working on getting to a calm place and to think a lot about my decision. I do not want a divorce, there is value in our family, there are virtues in W I want in my life and many of our problems have been caused by the circumstances in our M and life abroad and it does not mean we cannot be happy. At the same time I cannot be in an open M because I would never do that to a person loyal as I consider myself to be. This situation is dreadful. I know I dont need to justify anything to W about my decision. But here is what I have been thinking.

If I file, I can really start to think as she does right now, I can be free from this ghost M that only exists in my head, I send a clear message, I am faithful and expect my W or partner to be the same but I will life with the what if all those rumors were a lie and I took the step I so many times promised myself I would not take.

If I dont file I will look like a clown in from of W (more if even possible), I will work on the suggestions you have given me and become open to meeting other people. I will try to make S go back to normal and focus on fixing my problems and thinking of my future.

In the first option, I give up on myself and force myself to move on by a D and send a strong message. In the second, I dig deeper for strength and patience and remain faithful to my values in the big picture.

It is really killing me that I write in a calm and respectful way about something so serious, asking for clarification and only get silence back, this woman does not respect me a tiny bit. I need to hit the weights and go out today (already have a plan to) because my brain is running wild. For 15 days I will wait, be silent and post here.

Thank you all, even after all my mistakes, the blame I felt at the beginning and my emotional immaturity I still feel you are helping me and are the oxygen I need to keep going. I truly cannot imagine how this year would have gone without you all.

((hugs)), Pack