Your H should be jumping through hoops to keep you. He cheated and lied to you. He manipulates you.
These "hoops" are your non-negotiable "What will it take for you to forgive me" actions he needs to do to make you feel safe in your relationship.
Only you can decided what those are. You can take suggestions from this website and posters.
These have worked for others. You can use them as an idea of what you want:
1) No future contact with Affair partner 2) Full transparency - (You have full access to all electronic devices and all passwords) 3) MC 4) Answers any questions you have about any details of the Affair.
It is best that you do not tell him this list. Make him work to come up with ideas....ie:
H:"Will you ever forgive me?" W:"I am not sure. I want to trust you. How can you prove to me you are telling me the truth?" H:"Bla bla bla" W:"That is a good start, but I am not sure that will do it. How about you think about it for a few days and get back to me."
Finding a good IC takes work. Kinda like dating, if this one isn't helping, start interviewing for a better one.
I wish you well.
I agree with RC, but I do want to say be careful with #4. #4, while it sounds like it might help, can be extremely painful for you. What I encourage is for you to decide whether or not an affair is a dealbreaker for you. Most LBS that get cheated on go into FIGHT mode. The other option is flight. No one would blame you for saying "I cannot see myself ever trusting this person again, so I am moving on from them." It is a valid option. To me the one valid reason for D is an unfaithful spouse.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
