Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[may22]

Hi Pommy,

Things sound positive from my perspective, FWIW. I definitely think that you continuing to try to relax and remove pressure from both yourself and from your H will be helpful. As I said in my thread, I think your H verbalizing his desire to want to rebuild the M and intimacy with you, even within the context of the fears that those "feelings" aren't there yet and may not come back, is really positive. I think this just all takes time.

I imagine that the hurt and trust issues between the two of you have built up like a plaque that needs to be cleaned away, and you're gently dissolving that away... but it takes time and intention and making lots and lots of deposits in the "love bank" or whatever for that to happen, and until you're both cleansed and free of all the hurt and pain, it is probably going to be hard to build up the positive feelings and the emotional intimacy between the two of you. Like, adhesive isn't going to stick to a dirty surface, you've got to clean it off first. And/or, imagine the hurt/betrayal as layers of paint... the positive interactions an acts of love between you are slowly dissolving each layer, but you're not down to the bare wood yet, and you're making progress even though it might not feel like you are because you're still seeing that dingy paint.

It just seems to me that those feelings of love and connection and trust aren't going to come back when there is still so much anxiety for both of you-- and if they do, which maybe it did for your H when he had MO and was freaking out he had lost you forever-- that maybe isn't the lasting, deep connection you need in an MR.

I worry about this (for both our Hs)-- that they're seeking the short-term dopamine hits of a new R, the fantasy, wanting what you don't have, limerence-- and that simply isn't ever going to last in the long term. I know my H doesn't believe his R with AP was fantasy and that it went far beyond limerence. He thinks it was true love, this super deep emotional connection and that is what he craves. I think he thinks (or is afraid) that the damage done between us was too deep to ever get that back. Maybe he's right, I don't know. And maybe they did have this amazing connection that is unlike what we ever experienced and would last beyond the A and the honeymoon phase. Who knows... but my hunch is that it is an idealized view of a romantic R, and that reality, especially with me and kids and bills and chores, will never compare. Do you think this this an issue with your H? that he has an idealized view of R and what his "feelings" should be? I think if he's seeking something specific, he's probably bound to be disappointed. If he can also let go of his own expectations on what things should or shouldn't feel like with you and just be for a bit, keep up with the paint remover, you'll slowly dilute the bad feelings and trust and romantic love will come back.

I also wonder if it is redefining love as not a feeling but an action, understanding the ups and downs of relationships and not freaking out on the days you don't feel the in love feelings. I feel like your H is freaking out a bit. How can he relax?

As always, we got on famously going shopping together, cycling, out for dinner etc. (True BFFs!!!).

UGH. This is my H and me to a T also. It bothers me a little to give into that BFF thing like I'm just showing him that I'm willing to be friends w/o benefits... do you feel that at all?

Rather than worrying that this might not re-ignite the passion between me and H, learning and growing in relation to my own sensuality and sexuality is something I can take forward with me, with or without H. I do recognize how my confidence has eroded over the years, how I've lost touch with being a woman because I spent all my time being a mum in order to escape the loneliness of my M.

This is fantastic-- I'm really glad for you. Super interested to hear how it goes-- please keep us updated! (My H is steadfastly uninterested in anything that smacks of sex therapy, unfortunately.) I'm going to bet, actually, that as you develop your own confidence in yourself and your sexuality, embrace your womanhood again and not just your identity as a mom, that is going to be quite attractive to your H.

Hang in there, breathe, focus on the now, let go of the fear. Things are better, maybe not on the timeline you wanted, but he's there, he wants to be there, he wants to make it work. You got this.