I can't really explain it. I'm confused. I haven't been confused about my emotions in awhile.
Detaching from my XW and moving on was the easy part.
I've been so buttoned up for over a year. I tried... so... hard... to do this every other way. Six months of counseling, having accusations hurled at me, sitting there and trying to be understanding and build trust and ease into a peaceful co-parenting arrangement to save us from this. Mediation. Settlement offers. Going to parenting classes. Reading books. Feeling immediate panic when one of my kids fell off their bike. Or if they started misbehaving or fighting. Worried about the people I spent time with. Worried about the TV shows I let them watch, the music they listened to. Documenting every day I had with them. Counseling. Hour after hour talking to some close friends. Lawyer costs. Strategizing. Having to pay attention to every single communication with my XW, every interaction, every choice I made.
I needed to do it all. I truly believe that.
If I had to guess I'm feeling the release of all this tension and it's flooding out unpredictably at the moment.
