Hopefully Drifting Ashore (Riding the Wave 4)

[may22]

Hi Wayfarer,

I was thinking back on your early threads, you having to defend yourself for standing for your M and not kicking your H to the curb. I remember you saying if a PA automatically equaled D for all LBWs, then there wouldn't be very many of us here on the boards Anyway, thinking also that your thread should be one for newbies to read... you have DBed like a champ from the very start. Your strength, ability to see the long picture, be compassionate for your H and also for yourself, ability to detach from the emotions to make the right choices for your girls-- you are incredible. Honestly. I often think in any given situation, what would wayfinder do?

I like what wooba said about equanimity. I also, though, feel that you have been the epitome of this idea all along. In fact, the only things that threw you were when he started to turn towards you and say or do things that were R oriented. Now, you're in a place where that is wholly where he is and maybe this is just another way that same sentiment inside you is surfacing. Or, this is the big thing inside that you need to confront that was rearing its head whenever he did something loving and it made itself known with a bit of anxiety.

I don't have any good advice or pronouncements for you. I guess I would just ask you-- what is stopping you from looking at this new phase of piecing the same way you looked at the DBing phase? Why is this part so much harder for you? How did you adjust so easily from the sex-on-the-beach vacation bliss to your H having a full-on A in front of everyone burning dumpster situation and face that with equanimity, yet moving from the dumpster fire to piecing is so scary?

I think you've said before you're built for crises... you've been through an incredible amount of trauma in your life and have made it through stronger each time. I would imagine that re-trusting your H to be the person you can lean on again is going to be really hard. Time is your friend in this, I think. Giving yourself a break, not expecting too much too soon. Making sure your H sees that and gives the house buying pressure a rest. Maybe ask him to do the work to find some ways he's comfortable with to work on the MR-- let him do the research and find something to try. Maybe it isn't heavy MC. Maybe it is working on trust and intimacy building outside of the context of the A.

You've got this, WF. You are the strongest person I've ever (virtually) known. xoxoxo M