MLCers do tend to, at times, feel that they are finally taking control, and have everything all figured out. They exude such smug confidence and arrogant assuredness; like that terrible boss. And yes, we are fired.
Unlike mere employment, this was a marriage. And this is about busting divorce. Still, big bad boss spouse, doesn’t get to treat their LBS like trash. People treat us as we allow them too.
Originally Posted by Sage4
And yet, the LBS is encouraged to listen carefully to the MLCer's words; validate, find truth in it and change as appropriate. Which combined with our hope for the M, may leave us vulnerable to not being strong enough to turn the tap off when it should be.
We are encouraged to focus upon ourselves. Go dim or dark, to allow time to heal. Listen to the MLCer, for they do tend to drop clues. And some of their irrational outbursts do have a grain of truth to them.
We do validate the MLCer, for their point of view is valid. Understanding that their truth and our’s are not the same.
The LBS reflects and searches within. Discovering their beliefs and convictions. Strengthen those they like and discards or alters those they don’t. And live and stand to those beliefs.
Through this inner work and difficult path, the LBS finds an inner strength and faith that is quite surprising. And one can be strong and vulnerable. Indifferent and compassionate.
We learn this is a marathon, not a sprint. We have such a gift of time, it is good to use it wisely.
Originally Posted by Sage4
I was very focussed on the true definition of a boundary and was very careful to make sure that the boundary was MINE and not about controlling him.
Excellent!
Boundaries are not about control, they are for you.
The terrible boss who continues to berate, we could yell back, fight back, for we have been fired and have nothing really to loose. However, fighting begets fighting; and this was not mere employment. And we do have something to loose - ourselves.
Nothing you do will affect your H’s MLC, and yet everything you do will.
Clear solid boundaries upon disrespectful behaviour. For you. Set with compassion and understanding. Unlike that boss, H is your children’s father, and will be involved in their and your lives for a long time.
I completely agree, and believe, MLC is a mental/emotional illness. Hopefully it is temporary and they can find their way back.
It is wonderful to read how you are not so scared of H, and tend towards compassion.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
