It's been over a month since I updated. D16 is now with us 50/50 again. D17 is turning 18 here in just a few weeks. Her boyfriend has decided roommates are not for him and is moving into a studio apartment this weekend. I'm very much entering a weird parenting realm I didn't give as much thought to as I should've. An 18 year old who will be 18 for almost her entire senior year. School has started virtually for both girls. I'm still wfh. There's been an outbreak at H's work. He's fine. We're fine, but anticipating a shut down.
H and I went on a trip just the two of us a couple of weeks after the little family trip for my birthday. It was much needed. We had a really lovely time. We started talking about things on the way home from that trip. H had kept his mouth shut for a lot of the same reasons I was keeping my mouth shut. The main one being trying to stay in the little love bubble. H is incredibly remorseful. I get apologies a lot. I get ILYs constantly. There's a lot of affection. The talks about this stuff are much more like a slow leak in a tire than waterfall of information or introspection. Some of that is the timing of all of this. Focusing on making sure the kids are ready for school and things with work and my school took a little bit of priority. We're both in this place of we have time to handle these things. There's no need to rush it.
He's in a very different place than I am. He's really pushing the buying a house thing. And is very much in a pick up where we left off kind of space. And I'm just not there. I have to tell him on a fairly regular basis that I understand to him this is all shiny and new but that he needs to understand that I'm still working through what happened. We've been making a solid effort to make time for dates and family time. I do really well on our dates. I can let go and just be. Same when he's in the bed with me at night. I'm just so happy to fall asleep with spooning me. But certain things come up and I get in my head.
My car needs some repairs. Nothing super detrimental. But not cheap either. School started for the girls. They don't need much but they needed a few things. D17 needed glasses. H's phone stopped holding a charge so I had to get a new phone for him on our plan. I needed books for my fall semester of classes. I'm super, super tight on cash this month like I have the least amount in my checking that I've had in years. H asked me about a run and about new running shoes and I passed. He asked me about something with his new phone and I brought up how the bill is almost twice as much this month because of his new phone, activation fee, all that fun stuff. And he asked if I needed his help with finances this month. I just kinda unloaded on how much I was spending this month. He said he didn't realize I was having to pay out that much this month, or that anything was wrong with my car. And I just started to cry and snapped "You were fully checked out for 8 months. I'm just now coming to terms with me being able to rely on you again. I just assume I have to carry this, figure things out and fix them myself." He was very hurt. And said something to the effect of me throwing his mistakes in his face. I said "I"m not throwing things in your face. That is our reality. I'm trying to adapt to our new reality. In this reality I can ask you for help. We can talk about these things. But that not always being the case isn't throwing it in your face it's just the truth." He said he understood but was still hurt that I wasn't talking to him about these things or asking for his help.
He's trying. I'm trying. He's still not very keen on MC, but is willing to talk about other options. I just feel like a child or a fool in this whole mess. I wanted this so badly. I wanted him back. I wanted to work on our MR. Now I just keep thinking, dear lord is this ever going to stop being so heavy? Is it ever going to be less exhausting?
