She is totally fine being the breadwinner. She isn’t fine with me not having an income commensurate with my occupation. However, just having that didn’t make her the least bit more happy.
I don't think you are being honest here. Sorry for the 2x4 but if she was totally fine why did you say she was "nagging". It can't be both my friend.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
My job situation that I take full responsibility for resulted from maddening depression because the relationship was failing. I had two really good jobs go south over the last 4 years. During the first of those two jobs, I was also battling Severe sleep apnea (144 events per hour, which is bad) making me tired and nearly nonfunctional. Once this was diagnosed, the depression got worse.
Why did they go south? Was it truly out of you control that they did? Or was there a part you played in it? You don't have to go into the specifics of why they went south here... but perhaps ask yourself what part you played.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
She never seemed concerned about the sleep apnea issue, or happy i got it fixed. I think her contempt was fed by the idea I was just lazy, that admitting anything would make her feel shame.
This statement is mindreading and not helpful. Do YOU think you were being lazy?
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
I take responsibility also not having a good tool kit for resolving our communication issues. I didn’t know about some things I have read about recently. I also didn’t know that I did truly needed to reset my values, and resist my sense of entitlement which I’ve mentioned before.
Okay. Now what? You mention entitlement but this post feels like it has entitlement all through it.
Originally Posted by ATLGuy13
I remember once asking her to lay off her constant nagging, give me encouragement, show some slight affection. When the second job was about to fail, she told me I couldn’t put that on her. Well, it was maybe not her fault, but if having a job meant so much to her, perhaps it was still her responsibility. Honest to God, i don’t believe that I wasn’t asking for a lot.
That last sentence right there... turn it around. Was she asking alot from you to contribute? Hold a steady job? Whatever she was nagging you about? Was is that hard to do them??
ATL - I am pushing this matter because dealing with this would be a HUGE 180. I was in a relationship with someone who didn't hold steady work. She, not unlike you, felt like a chunk of this was out of her control. That can be true for a short period of time - but not years.
In those years - Not only did I lose respect... Fear settled in. I started to feel unsafe. I started to feel like I couldn't trust her. "If she couldn't hold a job - how could she do (insert anything here)". Our dreams were only possible if I paid for them. Our wedding - if I paid for it. Towards the end, She wanted to go to therapy and in my head I thought "yet another thing that if I want - I have to pay for. If it's so important to her - why doesn't she make more money to pay for it".
Now some of that is for me to own and confront... but can you see what was happening in my head?? How dangerous that is? Once those fears settled in - everything that went wrong just added to it's scorecard.
After we ended - She got a full time job. She started getting her finances together. And whatever was holding her back no longer existed.
And to be honest... I couldn't be more proud of her. Sure in the beginning I was like "Why couldn't you do this when we were together"... but after I grieved that part... I am happy for her because I want that for her. Now does that mean we are getting back together... No. But did it put cracks in my wall around the idea that she is a villain... absolutely.
What can you do to put cracks in that wall??
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
