Feelings hitting me hard the last 24 hours. Thankfully I have IC later today.
I have to keep this purposefully vague.
Allegations, false or not, are so powerful in family law. I knew my STBXW would never back down, and would hold them over my head (somehow she claims this was not her intent).
In the end, I have to swallow a deal. I get the time with my kids that was recommended by all evaluators, but I have to wait a half a year. It is completely arbitrary.
I should be thrilled honestly. The allegations are buried. That part of my life will be over. No more living in fear. Even though STBXW has not had to accept any responsibility for alienating the children, harassing me, or anything else from the last 14 months... I should be happy.
Now I have to face the financial part of this D and I fully accept STBXW to make this part just as difficult. And in the end I don't expect anything to be "fair" based on how these things go.
I know how my emotions work. The heaviness of the above is leaking into how I view everything else. I'm tired of COVID. I'm tired of being home alone every day. I'm tired of feeling like I'm living in a temporary house. I'm tired of the stress of my situation affecting my job performance. I'm tired of the burden of it all... paying for everything while I'm dragged through the mud by slimy lawyers, by STBXW - her subtle implications to my kids' school, or therapist... I'm absolutely exhausted by this process. I know why people back down. I didn't back down, and I never would have. But I am so emotionally spent. I am running on empty.
I KNOW this is histrionic and that once I process what just happened that the brightness will return and things won't feel so heavy. For today, it's rough seas.
